Your Friends Are Assholes

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Imagine, if you will, that there are only one-hundred and ninety-seven people in all of existence, comprised entirely on a small bit of rock. All these people live in relatively small communities of no more than twenty-five or thirty. Each community harbours a region of the small rock. Some people live in the east, some in the west, most in the south but few in the north. Life here is…complicated.

The people who identify with the Western community aren’t necessarily located in the West. You have a guy called Australia who lives in the East, but he doesn’t really like his neighbours as he’s scared of them and feels more comfortable with the people in the West- mainly because they look like him and his neighbours don’t and that realllly bother him.

The biggest house in the East belongs to a guy called China, who’s the biggest figure in the community. So much so that he owns several of the others houses- even some in the south-east as well. He lives next door to a crazy person and is essentially the only friend that person has. The person next to the crazy man is terrified of him, as are the rest of the neighbours. They’re afraid that he’ll burn their houses down, the rest of the village is afraid that he’ll burn everything.

Now there’s a lot of reasons why this crazy man living in a poorly kept house is insane, but a good portion of it is due to some fat prick who lives in the West; America.

America is what would often be referred to as a Fuck Boy. Or at least it would be. To be a fuck boy the fucks have to be somewhat consensual and if consent is an issue then by all means the village is stacked to the brim with sex offenders.

America goes all over the place causing trouble. He goes down South to be a home wrecker. He goes east, stopping in the middle to cause a stir with an estate that was volatile before he showed up. He goes even further east to square up to China, but also to buy some stuff off of him. Along the way he does his best to avert the gaze of Vietnam and Japan. He doesn’t even think about that crazy guy North Korea- hell, he can’t even remember what he did to push him over the edge.

Although recently he’s been quite antagonistic to little North Korea, much to dismay of the entire community.

The other people in the West like to think of themselves as superior to America, both intellectually and morally. But few genuinely are. The West is a strange place. Most of the people live closer to the East then they do with other Westerners- such as America and Canada, who have quite large houses right beside each other. To America’s dismay of course. He doesn’t really like having neighbours, often thinks of himself as a loner but is constantly starting some shit with others- he has borderline personality disorder. It’s kind of sad, really.

A good chunk of Westerners have divided themselves up into an even more niche group in the community called “Europe” a suburb filled with houses of varying quality. The biggest figure in the community is Germany, a nice lady but everyone gets quite nervous whenever she extends her arm to wave.

Europe now lives in peace and harmony. Well, as much as you can live in peace and harmony when you live on the same road with your rapist.

Take Ireland for example. She lives right next door to her abusive step dad; England. Thankfully she moved out a little while ago and has just got her life together. Her mother Scotland wasn’t too lucky. On multiple occasions she was convinced that she’d leave her cunt of a husband, but something always made her stay. Mostly her name was on the lease and she had nowhere else to go. A little bit of her genuinely seems to care for England, but the majority of her just wants to outlive him in that house purely out of spite. That way she gets the house all to herself. Well, Wales would still be there. But we don’t talk about Wales.

Life in Europe seemed pretty good. That is until England started going through a mid-life crisis. Started picking fights with the neighbours and demanded to leave the council. The other people in Europe reminded England that if he left then no one would come around to pick up his bins. England, now furious, demanded his bins be picked up for free simply because he was England.

There’s no real logical reason why England would want to leave this Union of peoples. Part of him says that he wants to be able to do things without having to worry about Europe’s rules, even though he helped write them. Part of him just wants to hang out with America and be cool, because he believes he’s America’s best friend- sadly, the relationship in unrequited. And a good chunk of it is because he kind of-sort of- hates the people of Europe. Particularly France, England’s Gay cousin.

But the main reason is this; He got old, he got fat- and he could not abide by that.

He hated these boring council meetings, he hated the smell of other houses in the community. He didn’t particularly care for the people in Europe who were the wrong shade of white. He was repulsed by the idea of having to hang out with Turkey. No, this isn’t what he wanted from life.

What he wanted was to start bar fights, like he used to do in Africa. Back then he didn’t have to ask politely for anything; he simply showed up and told you what to do. He didn’t have to respect people’s feelings or private property or physical well being. He could do whatever he liked.

And for many people in Europe, they had that exact same lifestyle. But after a particularly brutal bar fight everyone came together and said “man, we need to grow up”. So they fixed their houses, built a community centre for their weekly meetings and lived ideal and boring lives. For the most part. England was still harassing Ireland while Russia and America were hyping up a super fight that would never come to fruition.

After England goes out to embarrass himself in front of the Union, Scotland and Ireland continually bring up the question; “What in the ever-living fuck do you think you’re doing?” mostly all they get is vague and macho answers about how good of a fighter he used to be and how the people of Europe are trying to bully him. Most days you get nowhere with England, but on one night after getting a little drunk he slips something out; “I wish I died in that bar fight”.

In moments like these, Ireland feels a little sorry for her stepfather. Then she remembers that the bastard owns 20% of her mortgage and he gambled it all away in the hopes of a road trip with America- of all fucking people. Even though you moved out the house, England still manages to find a way to fuck up your life. It’s not fair.

But neither is life. And while the people of Europe have grown up, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re better people. It just means they realised it’s a hell of a lot easier to garner power via a community council than it is in a bar fight.

Just because France wears a beret and makes black and white films doesn’t make up for the fact he continually cheats poor little Nigeria out of 75% of its household income. Just because Spain disapproves of America throwing petrol bombs towards at least eight houses a night doesn’t mean they’re nice to the people in their own house, like Catalonia. And just because Poland got pushed around too many times does not give them an excuse to restart a bar fight.

But all their flaws aside, who else can you really hang around with? You can’t go East or South because it’s too far away and nobody wants to hang out with you there. You don’t particularly like England, but you trust him more than you trust Russia who walks about in the snow shirtless. You don’t particularly like America, but you trust him more than Saudi Arabia, who’s a backstabbing prick. You don’t necessarily like the European community, but the pros outweigh the cons and you know China sure as fuck couldn’t give you a better deal.

And while England may bemoan how strict the people of Europe is, he still fails to see the big picture. He doesn’t understand that they wouldn’t have to be so strict or so harsh if we had infinite resources and the land never tired. But that’s not the case. The mere existence of the village is causing a threat to the entire environment, life in excess causes death in excess.

Your friends are assholes. But in a world where there’s only one-hundred and ninety-seven people, you can’t afford to lose any.

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