Let’s Talk About Star Wars

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no_hand

This is the first of a new series of half assed articles in which I talk about whatever I goddamn like.

Most of these articles will be about movies or books or something that is generally not too important but I thought worth writing down and sharing with you. This series will be identified with the title “Let’s Talk About ________” it’s a new thing. I have lots of things.

So sit back, grab a beer and let’s talk about Star Wars.

So I thought I’d rewatch all the Star Wars movies before writing this but I didn’t. Mainly because I’m too tired, but also because I don’t have the time for that shit.

I mean, I made it ten minutes into the Phantom Menace before I was like “Dear God this is boring” and switched it off. You really have to be in the mood for that kind of stuff or else you’re doing the film a disservice.

That’s really the issue with prequels. You already know how things are going to end so there’s literally no suspense. Obi Wan’s not gonna die, Yoda is not gonna die, Anakin is not going to die- nothing matters.

I know I’m beating a dead horse here, but the prequels were bad. Like they’re just so goddamn melodramatic and boring it’s just…ugh.

They suck.

They really do.

That said the Clone Wars cartoon was pretty kick ass. I was genuinely surprised to find out that George Lucas was involved at all with the TV show because the credits list him as an executive producers and executive producers usually do fuck all.

Case and point: Jon Stewart is an executive producer on the Late Show with Stephen Colbert. All he does is have an occasional cameo, that’s it.

They’re both massive Star Wars fans. In fact, Colbert claims that he saw the original movie before anyone else because he won a radio contest in his home town and got to see A New Hope (back then just Star Wars) three weeks before it was released.

I myself became aware of Star Wars when I was quite young. About six or seven, I played the Lego Star Wars video game with my sister.

It was class. It was the time before Lego Games had voice actors so all the characters communicated via grunts and hand gestures. As God intended.

Surprisingly enough the Prequel game was better than the Original Trilogy game. It was significantly harder too, especially during the levels where you had to fly space ships- like the first level in Episode III, you had to fly around the *Star* Destroyers and if you got shot there’d be a cut-scene of your ship spiraling out into space where it’ll explode.

That Cut-Scene caused a lot of anguish between me and my sister. It’d show up even if you crashed into the Star Destroyer. We died so often (or I died so often, in this level of one player dies then both players die) that my sister got mad and forced me to quit so that she could complete the level by herself.

After she completed the level she’d wait like an hour before letting me play again, I basically had to wait until my sister decided to stop being a Cunt.

Siblings suck.

I actually remember playing the game while I was in Australia back when I was like nine. This Aussie kid (He was a literal Aussie stereotype) couldn’t get past the first level in Episode III so I helped him out. It was great, though it’s a little depressing that my fondest childhood memories come from playing video games.

But yeah, Lego Star Wars was my shit.

I remember playing through the first episode with my sister and she insisted on playing Qui-Gon-Jinn (we pronounced it “Q-Jon-Gin” ) while I was stuck with Obi-Wan Kenobi. I had the last laugh however because Darth Maul kills Qui-Gon but Obi-Wan instantly avenges him by slicing that devilish mother fucker like swish cheese.

Ironically we actually liked Jar-Jar because he was actually useful to the game, with his excellent jumping and swimming skills. He was far less annoying when he couldn’t fucking speak.

I spent the rest of the time playing as Anakin Skywalker, keep in mind the Lego Games at this point had little to no plot. You just killed things and collected weird Lego coins. It was class.

Then of course we get to Mustafar and my sister gets to kill the shit out of me. But I got to play as Vader, meaning I got that Force Choke ability. It was class.

The game’s sequel featured episodes IV-VI, in my personal opinion it wasn’t as good as the Prequel game. Except for the final part of episode VI where you got to play as Luke and Vader while you had to fight off the emperor’s honour guards, then the emperor and then you had to fight Vader.

It was a class level.

I got into Lego after this. Bought a Star Destroyer and tried to build it but unfortunately my set didn’t have all the parts so my mum had to send letters back and forth to Lego HQ or something like that to get more blocks and more precise instructions on how to build it.

The Lego Star Destroyer must have stayed on the kitchen table for five odd months. My eldest sister helped me build upon it before my bedtime.

We never did finish it.

I kind of waned off Star Wars a little bit. Got interested in Indiana Jones, then Batman. Then I started to grow up, which is a great disappointment to say the least. Almost worth an article on its own.

So when you’re a kid the prequels are fairly acceptable. I mean you don’t pay attention to the whole politics bull shit but the Light saber fights are cool.

It actually has some emotional weight to it as well. Unfortunately for me the whole “No, I am your Father” thing in the Empire Strikes Back was spoiled because Toy Story 2 made a joke about it when Buzz Lightyear was fighting the robot guy.

However that scene where Luke chops off Vader’s hand was super impactful because the Prequels built up on it. You think to yourself “Oh shit, I remember Count Dooku fucking you up. Damn, what happened?” Like that Robot Hand survived molten fucking lava for Christ sake.

I’m just trying to imagine what it must have been like to see that on its release. Because today we’re oversaturated with knowledge via the Prequels and comic books.

But back then all you knew about Vader was what was told in the first two movies. With the breathing apparatus and the fucked up body underneath. The fact that Obi-Wan straight up says “He’s more machine than man” you didn’t know the extent of his injuries, neither did Luke.

So that comes as a massive Fucking surprise to both Luke and the audience. Because if you recall in episode IV, Luke got his own right hand cut off so he too has a Robot hand.

This configures the parallels between Luke and Vader. There’s the obvious connection via genetics but there’s also the connection of spirits. Luke constantly acted out of base instinct and raw emotion which often hurt him. His connection with Vader’s own disability, alongside his previous force-vision-battle in the previous movie signifies that if left unchecked he too would fall to the dark side, becoming a scorched husk of his former self.

He himself would become Vader, the Father of Darkness.

Luke spares Vader’s life and hands himself over to the Emperor’s mercy. Which brings us to what really bugs me about Return of the Jedi;

Vader’s redemption.

Look, I know it’s important for the Religious allegory and to tell Children that even the worst people can do good. I get it, but it just doesn’t make sense. The entire redemption is dependent on Vader dying.

I mean, imagine if Vader survived that lethal lightning strike. What the hell would happen next? Do you think for one second the Rebellion would be ok with Luke bringing home the Literal Space-Hitler and saying “Don’t worry guys- he’s good now!” like one good deed does not atone for the hundreds if not thousands of War Crimes he committed.

Ackbar: “Hey Luke…what do you have here?”

Luke: “Oh shit, I forgot to tell you. Darth Vader is my Father

Vader, barely breathing: “…Hi

Ackbar: “…Hello. Luke, can I talk to you for a moment.

Some people argue that Anakin Skywalker and Darth Vader were, like, different people or something. That would not hold up in a court of law:

I’m sorry for all the grievances I gave you, but you must understand, I’m a different person now

You…you killed a planet

I said I was sorry

Also, how the fuck would Han and Leia be OK with this? Because they sure as fuck wouldn’t. Vader tortured Han, froze him in carbonate, sold him to Jabba and now he has to sit across from him at Life Day dinner?

Leia would be far less OK with this shit because out of the entire trio, Darth Vader hasn’t fucked over anyone more than Leia. Like, first he attacks her ship and kills all her crew. Then he holds her prisoner, inducing her to various methods of torture. Then he threatens to blow up her planet unless she gives up the rebel base, she tells him but he blows it up anyway. Luke lost a hand, Leia fucking lost everything.

B-but Leia, we have our Father back!”

I already had a Father, Luke. He was on that planet he FUCKING KILLED”

Ugh, are you guys still bringing up Alderaan? It happened like six years ago, get over it!”

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Also, what the hell would you do with Vader’s suit? If he survived he can’t keep wandering around the Galaxy wearing that. Could you imagine the Ewoks being so uneasy with this big fucking shrouded figure lurking over them saying “It’s OK guys, I’m a Good Guy now” all those Rebel Veterans scared shitless with Vader walking around the base, thinking he’s going to choke them to death.

Also, the suit is damaged as hell. It’s vital to keeping Vader alive so that means that the Rebellion will actually have to build him another suit. Which wouldn’t go down well with the veterans waiting on their amputated legs. Good luck getting the Suits designs off the Empire.

You’d have to start from scratch. Keep Vader in one of those bubble bath contraptions for months on end while you toil away at his suit. Most of the time would be spent on background checking your engineers cause you just know someone’s going to sabotage the suit to get back at Vader.

Dear God, imagine Vader going to Parties after this? With his white suit and his see through helmet (which makes it worse cause he’s hideous) walking up to people trying to strike up a conversation.

Hi, I’m Anakin

You killed my Brother

“…Bye, I’m Anakin

It’s funny to think about, but in reality Darth Vader would have probably been put on trial and sentenced to death for all those War Crimes. Luke might try to lead a revolt but it’d be unsuccessful because, y’know, nobody-and I mean nobody- wants Vader to live.

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But I imagine life as a Force Ghost would kind of suck too because you’re hanging around Obi-Wan Kenobi who genuinely believed that you were too far gone to save and was responsible for crippling you, refusing to kill you even while you were burning alive. Now you have to hang out with him because there’s no other Ghosts you can chill with.

“…Hey

Hello There

My balls were burnt off because of you

Ooof, sorry about that

It was emasculating

I bet it was

I killed so many people

“…where’s Yoda?

Vader really was fucked over from the beginning. Like he never had a father, he was created my Midichlorians because Darth Sidious tried to rape the force, spent his child in slavery and when he thought he freed himself and his other from slavery it turns out that he didn’t so he was forced to abandon her.

Then he was taken into a society of Warrior monks who were so fiscal with their emotions they probably beat him with a stick after catching him masturbating. he was surrounded by strong, beautiful women that he couldn’t fuck. The only person that wanted to fuck Anakin was Palpatine.

It’s a Goddamn miracle that he ever got laid in the first place. Which brings us to Padme. Now a lot of the criticism garnered at the Prequels are fairly justified, like how it’s really unbelievable that Padme was attracted to Anakin.

Considering the fact that she first met him when he was ten years old, hadn’t seen him for like eight years, then when you are reintroduced to him he’s giving off these incredibly rapey vibes- he even tells you that he went on a killing spree against sand people- and you still think it’s a good idea to hang around??

The only rational conclusion that I can muster is that she is clinically insane. Which makes sense considering she’s a Royal, she’s probably the descendent of a lot of incest- poor genes have a great tole on your cognitive dissonance.

Being a Royal must have really fucked her up. Sitting around all day, talking to two faced people, waving at poor people, training with blasters in the hopes you’ll accidentally shoot yourself, living on the same planet as Jar Jar- no wonder she’s crazy.

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Also, how can you claim that you love democracy when you’re a fucking Queen?

Is it Democratic to have a Queen be your senator? Who else are you going to vote for? Do the ballots have like one name on them and you have to vote at gunpoint? Do you even get to vote I mean-

Oh my God.

Fixed elections,

Surprisingly high approval ratings,

Indefinite rule-

Padme Amidala is the Vladimir Putin of Star Wars.

So I assume that hanging out with Padme was essentially how Anakin drained out the poison. That may explain why he’s significantly more charismatic in the Clone Wars cartoon.

That or maybe it’s just the better actor and the much better writing. The movies had great potential but they were poorly executed.

Like it’s important to realise that Anakin probably had severe PTSD from the clone wars. That and his Apprentice leaving the Jedi order left him vulnerable to outside influence.

I mean he was losing everyone. Obi-Wan was away doing his own thing so he had no one to talk to, the Jedi order made it perfectly clear that they didn’t trust him- especially Mace Windu who was a complete and utter cunt.

Mace Windu. Mace fucking Windu. He’s pretty much responsible for Anakin’s downfall because he didn’t trust him from day fucking one.

Like, he said to Anakin that he was too old to be a Jedi- which is just bullshit, Mace just didn’t like Qui-Gon. After eight years of training he still didn’t trust him, granted Anakin’s a little rough around the edges (putting it bluntly) but after all the shit that went down in the Clone Wars he still didn’t like him.

There’s this episode of the Clone Wars in which Boba Fett seeks revenge on Mace for killing his father- and he gets pretty damn close too. He takes out a Republican Star Cruiser, nearly crushing both Anakin and Mace to death and killed like a few hundred Clone troopers in the process.

But of course they survive and eventually catch Boba. He confronts Mace about killing his father, saying that he’ll never forgive him. Macs simply says “Well, you’re going to have to.”

And when Boba does escape, Mace doesn’t go after him. Which infuriates Anakin because he killed hundreds of people but Mace is like “Revenge is bad. It’s not the Jedi way” and Anakin’s like “But justice though” and Mace just stomps down the debate by reminding him they’re at war and don’t have time for a stupid kid.

Despite his service in the Clone Wars Mace still distrusts Anakin. Even goes so far as to deny him the rank of Master. Well to be fair to Windu, it would appear very dodgy that Palpatine wanted his own personal Jedi on the council who would do his bidding- but he simply could have denied the application.

You didn’t have to let him on the council but withhold the rank of Master from him. That’s just a dick move.

Then again Mace Windu is a complete dick. Cool lightsaber though.

So Anakin is a little shaken from all that war. Being told you’re the chosen one would also make you a little arrogant in your abilities. The first thing he says to Dooku in Episode III is “My powers have doubled since the last time we met” … suddenly Kylo Ren’s angst makes a lot more sense.

So he kills Dooku but feels bad about it. Finds out Padme’s pregnant, has a premonition about her death- which is important because the last premonition he had involved his mother dying and that came true so now he’s rightfully spooked.

Which doesn’t exactly help with his stress considering work at the moment is shit, you have to keep your marriage a secret so you have that looming over you, unresolved PTSD, abandonment of your pupil shaking your faith in the Jedi council and on top of that a premonition.

Vader was coming, it’s just an utter shame it was executed so poorly.

That final duel really pisses me off due to the weight of its poor execution. There’s so much potential in this scene. You don’t even have to change much to make this scene perfect.

You could keep the dialogue exactly the same. I actually quite like the dialogue, it’s just the execution that sucks. The setting is perfect, as a Writer I can appreciate the dramatic imagery of a molten planet to symbolize the destruction of a friendship and the forging of something truly evil; Vader.

I like the dialogue because it just goes to show how out of touch these two are. Like, Obi-Wan keeps pleading with Anakin for some semblance of reason but Anakin isn’t hearing it. They’re talking about two different things and they legitimately can’t understand each other, Obi-Wan is like “Dude, why the fuck are you trying to kill the Jedi?” and Anakin is like “Why the fuck did the Jedi try to carry out a coup?” and Obi-Wan is just stunned by this because he genuinely doesn’t understand where Anakin is coming from.

It’s like trying to talk to a White Supremacist, it’s very difficult because their worldview is so different from your own that you struggle to get across to them.

Oh, and that entire fight scene is dumb as fuck. Far too many back flips and the entire duel feels more like a dance than a fight. That’s kind of what irks me about light saber battles in the first place, because they insist on this non stop collision of blades.

So in a regular sword fight you would waste time clashing blades because of two reasons:

  1. Clashing the blade repeatedly would dull the edge, making it less sharp and thus less able to cut and stab.
  2. The entire point of a sword fight is to kill your opponent. Sword fights are very quick or very long, quick as in you get the right amount of stabs/cuts in to kill the opponent or long as in both of you are stalling to avoid catching any damage.

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The only way I can really make sense of the light saber duels with their insistence of butting blades is that both opponents really don’t want to get burned. Like a light saber burns at around 1800°C, could be as high as 25000°C- but fortunately the actual plasma is surrounded by a force field that both creates the blade like shape and prevents the heat from escaping.

That’s why you can hold a light saber hilt without burning your hand, however if you touch the laser yourself you’ll get burned as your flesh will move past the force field and onto the plasma.

So if you didn’t want to get burned then the majority of your focus would be on countering the blade instead of attacking your opponent. You could also figure out your opponents fighting style by how he counters your attacks, figuring out the weakness in that particular form but most fighters trained in Light-saber fighting would use a variety of forms.

That duel on Mustafar was complete and utter bullshit though. It was less of a sword-fight and more of a goddamn light show. There’s this moment in which Anakin and Obi-Wan are literally swinging their swords about for a solid five seconds before they even try landing a hit. As if they’re posturing- to fucking who though? You’re literally the only two living beings on the planet, who the fuck are you going to impress?

I mean it’s not like the strike of the blade had enough force to kill your opponent because you both countered it and- ugh. I just hate this goddamn fighting choreography. It’s too clean- no one in this Goddamn Trilogy fights like they’re trying to kill anyone.

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This is probably one of the most infuriating parts of the duel. Now like I said, I thought the dialogue was good. I’m a fan of that High ground meme just as much as the next man, but that ending to the duel was fucking shite. Like, Anakin legitimately thought it was a good idea to jump two meters, over both lava and your former Master?

Granted he’s an arrogant bastard so his stupidity makes sense, but to think someone wrote this down and shot it, then watched it and said “…Yeah, that’s satisfying” it just…doesn’t make any sense to me.

First up; props to Obi-Wan for some excellent swordsman skills. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to cut off the limbs of a man who’s in mid somersault? It’s damn near impossible. However he’s an absolute fucking moron for leaving Anakin alive. Like you can watch your former padawan burn alive but god forbid you have the nerve to stab him in that stupid face.

Then there’s that stupid fucking flopping sound he makes when he falls to the ground, limbless. Breaks all the tension. The entire sword fight is just terrible, the fucking rope swing fight looks like it belongs in a Goddamn Pirates of the Caribbean movie.

I actually like the Pirates of the Carribbean movies as well, but their weird swashbuckling sword fight shenanigans doesn’t fit into Star Wars.

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Hey, look at that.

Vader got himself a portable high ground.

But yeah Anakin got fucked over bug time. He pretty much sacrificed everything to save Padme but she died anyway and he literally became a burnt husk of his former self. Not only that but he lost all his friends and found out that Palpatine was a massive cunt because he was always testing Vader by sending rivals after him. After all that shit he did for him, he didn’t even have job security.

Everyday was agonizing as well because his suit was poorly designed. Couldn’t get an upgrade because it would have likely killed him but the constant pain also helped him focus his anger. So he spent the next twenty years building a reputation as the most ruthless motherfucker in the Galaxy, because keep in mind at the start of the Empire Anakin Skywalker was presumed dead and nobody knew who Vader was- they just thought it was a weird guy in a black suit.

His entire life was constant War, he had to kill a lot of people. Even worse with that was the fact that the Empire was both corrupt and incompetent. Like one of the reasons Vader was so well for choking the shit out of imperial officers was because most of them were there because of Nepotism and thus they were severely incompetent. They stopped using Clones for their armies after a rebellion and probably they had a trade deal with some slavers who promised to get them a cheap army- so cheap that they were poorly trained and thus couldn’t aim for shit. Their armor was also fucking shit, you couldn’t see anything outside of their helmets.

He fucking hated everyone around him. You could literally count all the people he respected in the Empire on one hand. He respected Tarkin because he knew him in the Clone Wars and they were pretty much on he same page ideologically and although they never really met, he respected the hell out of Grand Admiral Thrawn.

Thrawn.

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Grand Admiral Thrawn is fucking awesome. He’s a very smart, classy, cultured tactician that had to overcome a lot of shit to get to the place he is today. Ok, so the Empire in Star Wars is super racist against Aliens so they pretty much deny almost all of them from achieving a high rank. But Thrawn was so kick ass that the Emperor was like “Nope, you’re good- you get your own Star Fleet.” which is awesome cause he had to come over years of bullying in the Imperial academy and now he get’s to do whatever the fuck he wants.

I haven’t read the books with Thrawn in it, I’ve only seen him in Star Wars Rebels but I think they did him justice. Like he’s this calm, co-ordinated and even respectful figure. Like when he captures Hera and exposes her to the Empire he keeps her family’s heirloom out of respect, and when an Imperial officer suggests that they ought to destroy it he almost loses his shit because he has such respect of other’s culture- but he apologizes after because he knows that behavior is beneath him.

Fuck, the only time he loses in the show is because of Imperial Officers thought it was a good idea to disobey his orders (in pursuit of pride but also just a hint of Racist resentment) or because of Divine Intervention by some Force Wielder- which is basically like a God- and he fucking kills him as well.

People are saying that he’ll die in Season 4 of Rebels but I honestly hope that’s not the case. Fuck, I’d love a Darth Vader movie with Thrawn as a supporting role. You can base it off of Kieron Gillen’s Darth Vader Comic. In which Vader has to prove himself to the Emperor after the destruction of the Death Star, so he hires Boba Fett on the side to look for the rebels that blew up the Death Star, hires another crew to get him a dispensable droid army and to later investigate Padme’s death when he learns who Luke Skywalker is.

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In the Comic, Vader’s superior suspects that he’s up to some Fuckery so he sets an imperial investigator on his Ass that follows him around all day long. He’s kind of like the Empire’s very own Sherlock Holmes.

For the Vader movie (or if you’re especially greedy, a Vader Trilogy) you could replace that imperial investigator with Grand Admiral Thrawn. The two of them make a deal like “I’ll help you catch the Rebels and rebuild your reputation if you help me secure some sectors and give me more firepower” they have met a few times in Legends (a Comic Series and anthology of novels that are no longer Canon because of Disney) but I believe in current Canon Thrawn actually knew Anakin Skywalker during the Clone Wars so that could be interesting.

I’d just love to explore this incredibly toxic culture with some of the only competent leaders in the entire Empire. And the Empire is a very toxic environment, it’s a Kratocracy- only the Strong survive. You get a glimpse of that in the new Star Wars movies with the Rivalry between Kylo Ren and General Hux. The empire is basically just like that- but everyone is out for themselves. You can’t have friends in that kind of environment.

Oh, and if Disney is smart enough to do a Vader Trilogy- they have to do a movie based off of Vader Down. It’s this story arc in which Vader is lured into a trap by one of his rivals (who is basically a mix of General Grievous and Admiral Ackbar) by providing bad Intel to Vader’s secret crew and Vader essentially jump-speeds right into a star system that holds a rebel base, all by himself with no background.

He kills the shit out of dozens of battalions of Rebel Soldiers. It’s fucking Epic.

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So Vader and Thrawn would agree to do favours for each other. Vader would help Thrawn out with dogfights and battles, increasing the power in his Star Fleet and making Thrawn one of the most influential people in the Galaxy. Thrawn in turn would help Vader eliminate his rivals and search for the Millenium Falcon.

But again, this is the Empire- frienships don’t last here. In the comics Vader hires smugglers to steal money being transferred by the Empire in order to fund his activities. Thrawn begins investigating and discovers that Vader is up to some Fuckery, but he’s met with a Dilemma.

In the Comics, Vader is being followed by an imperial investigator called Thanoth. He eventually discovers what Vader’s been up to and confronts him about it. But he experiences a dilemma, he doesn’t like the Emperor. He sees him as a moron for investing so much resources into the Death Star when it’d be better spent investing in more fleets of Star Destroyer’s that could crush the Rebellion over time. In fact if the Death Star was successful and it never got destroyed, the Rebellion would fold- it’d just be a deterrent that they could never use again.

So Thanoth concludes that the Emperor is weak and thus he must be replaced by Vader. But he understands that Vader can’t let him live so he confronts him about it, tells him all he knows and all he hopes for. His loyalty exposed and he’s willing to die to keep Vader’s secret so long as the Empire will become stronger. You could replace him with Thrawn, it’d explain why he’s not in the original trilogy because Vader killed him.

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I think that’d be a suitable end for Thrawn, dying because of his Loyalty. Instead of being murdered by his servant.

The great writing of both the Comics and the Clone Wars just go to show how shit the Prequel films actually were because they wasted so much potential. I mean just watch Alex Jones summarize the Prequel Trilogy– that sound interesting. It was just poorly executed.

I actually like Star Wars Rebels, a lot of people don’t because they pretty much had to cancel the Clone Wars to make it. I like the characters enough, Ezra is alright but his voice is kind of grainy after a while. I like Zeb, personally think he’s underused. I want to like Sabine but they just poorly handle her character- like Ezra says she’s a loner but we never actually see her be a loner, if anything she’s actually quite friendly.

Hera and Kanan are great. There’s great chemistry among the crew, I’m kind of bummed out that Season 4 is their last season. They’ve done a lot in regards to setting up Rogue One and tying up loose ends as far as the Clone Wars can be seen.  Though at the same time I’d have preferred to have seen the proper ending to the Clone Wars, which was he Siege of Mandalore.

Rebels is also doing this weird thing where they’r hyping up “Calub Dume” pronounced “Doom“. Caleb Doom is Kanan’s real name (Kanan has a better undercover name than Ben Kenobi) and I’m like “Oooh…I have no idea who that is” apparently there’s some kind of prophecy and Kanan saves the planet or some shit- I don’t know.

There’s some talking Dire Wolves in the Show which people are mad about cause they think it’s stupid. These are the same people who think that the Yuuzhan Vong- literal Space Orcs- are cool. But no, we draw the line at Force Sensitive Wolves that can talk.

It’s kind of weird. The more I learn about Star Wars the less I like about Star Wars. It Sucks.

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I’m very glad they brought Ashoka back in Rebels. In the Clone Wars she was framed for murder and treason so the Jedi Order expelled her, but once she proved her innocence she refused to rejoin the order because she no longer trusted them. Which had a huge toll on Anakin, her master.

She’s not in Rebels very long however. One of the downsides of the show is that it’s mostly filler. She’s a Grey Jedi, which means that she still uses the force and a lightsaber but she doesn’t follow the Jedi code- she does what she wants for the greater good. She uses these really cool white lightsabers.

I’m disappointed they didn’t expand upon her arc more in Rebels, she’s in about four maybe five episodes tops. But that duel with Vader was so fucking cool. I mean just watch it. It’s epic.

See, Vader’s entire existence is agony. The only way he can stay sane is by focusing all his anger and his hate and building this Monster that’s emotionally dead inside. That’s ultimately why Obi-Wan and Ashoka can’t turn Anakin away from the Dark Side, they represent his past and Vader will destroy anything that resembles his past.

You get a peak of Anakin at the end of that fight. It’s subtle but, of course he eventually disapears again. Vader’s back in control.

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Only Luke could have really saved him because he represents both the Future and the lies of Palpatine. I don’t think he expected to survive in Return of the Jedi, I don’t necessarily think he wanted to.

Finding out that your entire identity is built on a lie is earth shattering to most people. Especially if it justifies all the horrible things you’e done in your life. One of the reasons why Vader was surprisingly cool with finding out he had a Son in Empire was because he already knew. If he found out then and there he’d have crashed his own fucking space craft in a fit of anger.

He actually had this huge master plan to overthrow the Emperor and rule the Galaxy with Luke, which he’d probably never have done alone because he never wanted to rule alone. That’s why in Revenge of the Sith he was pleading to Padme about all the shit they could do together.

But of course Luke rejects him. Actually, he tries to kills himself instead of joining him which would be really heartbreaking for Vader. Like, at that moment he realizes that he’s such an Asshole that his own son would rather fall to his death than hang out with him.

That’s got to have a toll on anybody.

Rebels did Vader and Thrawn justice. Of course the light-sabers look like goddamn toothpicks instead of the kind of broad sword designs you see in the Prequels and the Clone Wars. Yoda looked weird as well. But I thought some of the animation looked better, especially the women. In the Clone Wars they had sharp lines that looked like you could light a match on it.

But we got to talk about Maul.

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Darth fucking Maul. A very tragic character. He was once the apprentice of the most powerful Sith Lord in the Galaxy, now he’s literally half the man he once was. He got cut in half at the end of the Phantom Menace, but survived cause the fans really liked him. The reason he survived was because he was so angry that he literally refused to die, the Dark Side of the force drove him insane and he spent ten years scavenging on a junkyard planet with weird spider legs.

He was eventually saved by his brother, Savage Oppress and they went on to commit a few massacres in order to lure Obi-Wan Kenobi into a trap. Star Wars has a certain theme when it comes to castrated villains. One of the reasons Vader and Maul are so angry all the time is because they got their dicks lopped off. That’s bound to make any man go Darkside.

So obviously Maul never got his revenge on Kenobi, however he did have some relative success. He became a crime lord, became the leader of a Mandalorian Paramilitary known as Death Watch, became the ruler of Mandilore and murdered the Love of Obi-Wan’s life right in front of his eyes. Nobody fucks with Kenobi quite like Maul.

But then Darth Sidious came in and fucked him over because he can’t have a rival. Maul isn’t a very good Sith either, because he actually really cared about his brother. He’s not as callous as Sidious so its obvious he would never win.

Of course Palpatine never killed Maul, for some fucking reason. He just imprisoned him in a Separatist prison but he broke out when Death Watch came to rescue him. Then he fought Sidious, Count Dooku, General Grievous- retook Mandalore and had a huge battle. It would have been class to see that in the clone wars but it never came to fruition.

Maul was probably one of the biggest mistakes the prequel movies made. He should have been the main villain throughout the entire trilogy, but at the same time I’m quite found f Count Dooku and Christopher Lee is always awesome. Grievous could have been awesome but… I don’t know.

Maul got fucked over, Dooku gt fucked over, Grievous got fucked over- all the villains in Star Wars got fucked over at one point or another.

In Rebels, Maul is kinda crazy. He doesn’t really want much. Doesn’t want to take on the Empire, he’s terrified of Vader. All he wants is revenge against Obi-Wan Kenobi.

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So a lot of people dislike the fight at the end of Twin Suns with Maul and Kenobi, citing that it’s too short. I get that, it can appear to be very anticlimactic.

However I absolutely fucking love this fight. It’s just gorgeous. The desert setting, the moonlight, the glow of the blades, the music, the short yet impactful dialogue…it’s just great.

Obi-Wan takes the same stance that Qui-Gon always used in his duels. He does that every time he fights Maul. The fight is short, mainly because Maul tries to use the same trick on Kenobi that he used on Qui-Gon. But it doesn’t work, and he ultimately loses because Maul is stuck in the Past while Obi-Wan’s eye rests solely on the Future. The only reason he fights Maul is to protect that future.

But what would Maul have done if he had won? That’s the thing with Revenge, you send so much time and energy pursuing it that you don’t know what to do with yourself afterwards. Maul may have had that mindset, or he may have had this:

Maul wanted to Die.

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I mean he didn’t have much to live for, his life was miserable. He didn’t want to reclaim Mandalore or fight Vader or take over the Empire- all he wanted was revenge. Perhaps he thought that Obi-Wan would kill him, or even mortally wound him. He definitely wanted to kill Obi-Wan for pretty much ruining his life.

But in his later years he realised that Palpatine fucked him over worse than Obi-Wan ever could. He was nothing more than an assassin for Sidious, he was never going to be like Vader. In his final moments he reveals that to Obi-Wan, even in death all he wanted was revenge.

The two of them got fucked over by Palpatine. Everyone has, so in his dying moments he realises how pointless it all was. Those years in agony, all that anger- all that hate. Pointless. Completely and utterly Pointless.

At this stage in his life, Obi-Wan no longer hates Maul. If anything he pities him, because he understands him. But he also understands that he cannot live if he is to secure the future.

It’s a great fight. At least compared to his next one with Vader, which hasn’t aged well at all. There’s actually this great video online in which that fight is re-imagined, it’s pretty kick ass.

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It’d be really cool to see if Disney ever re-stages the fight for an updated version of A New Hope. You could make a lot of money off of that. Most of Lucas’ updates were shite. Like he added a poorly rendered Jabba the hutt and some weird CGI animals- it just looked awful.

I’m sorry to say this, but George Lucas is terrible in the creative process. I mean he’s a nice guy, I like him- but a lot of his ideas suck. I’ve heard so many stories about the Original trilogy that involved the cast and the writers pleading with Lucas to change the script because it sucked.

Apparently Harrison Ford threatened to tie up Lucas and force him to read his lines at gun point- because they were that bad. Mark Hamill has this story that’s truly bizarre. He says it’s one of the worst lines he’s ever seen, he pleaded with Lucas to take it out. Ok, so in the original Star Wars the Millennium Falcon get to the ruined remains of Alderaan and they’re like “Where the fuck is Alderaan?” so Han Solo’s line goes like;

Look kid, I’ve done my part of the bargain. So when we come up to an Asteroid- You, the Old man and the droids get dropped off

Which is fairly in character with Han Solo, he is a bastard. So Luke responds:

But we can’t turn back! Fear is their greatest defence- I doubt if the actual security there was any greater than it was on Aquiline Salas- and what there is most likely directed at a large scale assault

…What?

That doesn’t make sense- who the fuck talks like that! Jesus Christ. Star Wars could have sucked, really bad.

The reason the Prequel trilogy sucked was because nobody challenged George Lucas’ ideas- everyone thought he was this bug mystical film maker. It’s kind of like how when Quentin Tarantino’s editor died, his films started to drag on a lot longer than they usually would because no editor in Hollywood had the nerve to tell him that some scenes were shite and needed to be cut. It explains why Batman Odyssey is an abomination as well, because it was written by Neil Addams- a Legend in the world of Comic Books- brilliant artists, abhorrent writer.

The odd thing about Neil Addams though is that he wrote that book exclusively as a Propaganda piece for his Hollow Earth Theory- George Lucas just wanted to sell toys. Disney gets accused of the same thing, which brings us to the new Star Wars.

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I like them, they’re very entertaining. There’s stuff I like, there’s stuff I dislike. Initially I really disliked Kylo Ren, I thought he was a very weak villain. He wasn’t intimidating, he had weird temper tantrums and he just came off as a spoilt brat.

After the Last Jedi though I’m starting to come around to him. Like he’s less of a whiny Darth Vader wannabe and he’s becoming his own man. He’s done a lot of terrible shit to. Like he’s killed all the remaining Jedi (you saw that in Rey’s flashback scene in TFA) he’s committed multiple Massacre’s and he’s guilty of multiple omnicide by destroying six planets with Starkiller base.

Starkiller base is actually more financially acceptable than a Death star. I mean a Death Star could be owned for years, centuries. It’d need constant repairs which would cost a fortune. You’d have to find giant Kaiber crystals to power that laser canon, which is especially dangerous because the bigger the crystal the more unstable it is. Just imagine the fuel it would require to remain operational- let alone travel through Light Speed.

And this is the cost of a Deterrent that you’ll only use twice. Granted some people argue that the Death Star would be vital in battling the Yuuzhan Vong invasion after Return of the Jedi but it’s still too goddamn expensive. No wonder people thought Palpatine was an idiot.

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Star Killer base is a little better because it’s designed exclusively for one or two shots. In the Force Awakens, Star Killer base single handedly destroys all of the Republican planet’s- meaning that the Resistance is fucked. If they got another shot out then it’d be game over.

It wouldn’t be that hard to construct compared to a Death Star, I mean it took twenty years to build the first one. Mainly because something of that scale had never been built before, but also because it had to be built in complete secrecy. Also the Galaxy was bankrupt after the Clone Wars so that may have delayed construction.

The second Death Star took only four years because they already knew how to build it, they had more funding and they were in a rush. Apparently Starkiller base can move which…is very stupid. I mean I was hoping they’d be thinking “Right, spend a few years building the base- get off two shots, kill the Republic, run out of ammo- abandon the base, conquer the rest of the Galaxy without any interference” but nope. Snoke had to go full Palpatine and waste money on a goddamn laser canon.

So a large portion of the criticism for The Force Awakens is because it’s too similar to a New Hope, which is fair- the too are very similar. Personally I kind of see movies that have similar plot lines to be the case of “History repeating itself” because Human beings aren’t very good at making original things, and when they do often times it’s not very good.

There’s an argument in defence of The Force Awakens being very similar to A New Hope. It goes something along these line:

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It’s an interesting argument. It’d explain why Kylo and Hux seem like whiny assholes, cause they are whiny assholes. I mean I don’t know about Hux but I can understand why Kylo is a complete and utter mess; Han Solo.

Han Solo is not Fatherhood Material. The only reason he wanted to fuck Leia in the first place was because he was like “Hey, I could tell the Guy’s I fucked a Princess” it’s pure street-cred. But then afterwords he realised “Ugh, I’m actually in Love with the Woman- this sucks” and then we get that weird Love Triangle thing that Han thinks is going on in Return of the Jedi because we need some Melodrama up in this bitch.

Which I get why Han would be worried about Luke as a rival for Leia’s affections. He’s been frozen for like three years, a lot of things can happen in between. When you get unfroze not everything is working properly, you have to wait a while until the blood starts circulating again- it may damage your self esteem.

Then Leia says she love’s Luke and Han is like “Ah fuck” even though at the start of the movie Leia told him she loved him. But then again Han may be thinking that she’s a Princess and as we established Princess’ are fucking insane. She may have wanted to fuck both Han and Luke- and you just know Han’s already done shit like that before so he’s like “Nope, I’m out” but fortunately Leia says “He’s my brother, Stupid” and Han is relieved. But then he remembers that time on Hoth and- y’know what? Don’t ask too many questions.

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So Han was a General in the Resistance and I just have to ask; why? I mean don’t get me wrong, he’s a charming guy- but he’s no Grand Admiral Thrawn. His idea of a grand maneuver to avoid a Star Destroyer is turning left. He doesn’t have the military experience required to be a Lieutenant, never mind a General.

Captain Rex has more military experience than anyone in the entire resistance (outside Admiral Ackbar, who also fought in the Clone Wars) and yet he’s never gotten a Promotion. Why? He was on the Endor for Christ sake.

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Also, is Kylo Ren technically a Prince? I mean Padme Amidala is the Queen of Naboo and Leia Organa is her Daughter so she’d be heir to the throne. Would Leia be Queen of Naboo? Fuck- would Han Solo be the King of Naboo?

If anything he’d be more like Prince Philip, wandering about, smiling, casually saying Racist things etc. He’s very qualified to be a Prince.

There’s a possibility that Leia uncovered who her real mother was and then went back to Naboo, saying shit like “Hey I’m your rightful Queen!” and the people of Naboo are like “Hey, that’s nice and all but we believe in a Parliamentary Democracy now and we don’t recognize you as the head of state just because you came out of a special Vagina so…bye” which you just know would have a toll on Ben Solo cause he was really looking forward to being a Prince.

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But yeah, I have no shadow of a doubt in my mind that Han Solo would be an abhorrent Father. He just doesn’t have it in him. I’m honestly surprised he didn’t fucking fly off in the Millennium Falcon when Leia was going into Labor. Personally I believe Chewbacca forced him to stay, he’s a very old guy so Chewbacca would have a firm belief in Family Values.

Chewbacca is a Wookie and apparently they have extremely long lifespans. Apparently, and I can’t believe it either, Chewbacca is 234 years old.

That’s almost a fifth of Yoda’s age. He’s older three times older than Obi-Wan Kenobi. He’s two and a Half times older than the Emperor. Fuck, he may even be older than Snoke. He’s so old he was around when this fucker was just Midichlorians.

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He’s only forty-five years old. Forty Five!

I mean fuck, even his Jedi equivalent doesn’t look too good.

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You really let yourself go, Annie.

Jesus Christ, can you imagine having Han fucking Solo as your Father? I couldn’t imagine a worse man for the Job. Well, maybe Lando- he was also a bit of a bastard. God I can just imagine that household. The constant bickering between Han and Leia, Chewbacca and Lando coming over and getting drunk which ends up with one of them crashing the Millennium Falcon into the house.

So you start looking forward to Summer School with Uncle Luke because “Luke Skywalker is awesome!” and he is at first but he’s kind of weird. Partly because he read a book that said he had to repress all his sexual desires so he literally hasn’t taken a wank since he was twenty-three, he’s a little on edge because of this.

Jedi School is ok for the most part, you don’t really feel like you fit in and you feel distant from everyone. Start reading up on your family history and you’re like “Wait…why did no one tell me that I’m related to Space Hitler?! …Oh fuck, this explains a lot” and you start wearing black, grow your hair out long, read Ayn Rand etc.

Then one day you wake up to this:

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Your first reaction of course is to pull down your own fucking house and burn the Jedi temple because…Dark Side.

Now a lot of criticism garnered at the film is due to the portrayal of Luke Skywalker, citing that Luke Skywalker wouldn’t even try-let alone think- to kill his own nephew. I get that, it does seem a little weird. I’m trying to wrap my head around this and I think that Luke made a stupid decision which is fairly in character for Luke.

If he was a rational person he’d still have his right hand (does the fact that he lost his right hand explain why he doesn’t masturbate?) so he relies on his gut instinct a lot. We didn’t see a lot of build up for this. We never seen Kylo go from light to dark, so we never got to see Luke try to reason with Ben or confront him about his moody, darkside ways.

So he’s doing a few dodgy things in this scene. For one he’s snuck into his Nephew’s room while he’s sleeping, that’s a red flag right there but I imagine he was like super worried and he couldn’t sleep so he wanted to check on him. Then he read his mind (which he trained to do, different Jedi and Sith have different Force Abilities. Some Sith can force choke while others have lightning fingers, it’s all about the training) and found that he was “too far gone” and I guess he saw the Future because the Force can present premonitions to people so it probably scared the shit out of Luke.

I imagine he got a peak at all the atrocities Kylo would go on to commit and he thought about Obi-Wan’s failure to save Anakin, his failure to kill him before he became Darth Vader- so he thought that if he didn’t kill Kylo right then and there he’d be responsible for all those lives he will destroy- he didn’t want to be like Obi-Wan.

But of course when he ignited his lightsaber he realized “…this isn’t me” but it was already too late. He’d pushed Ben into the Dark Side.

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I understand why people don’t like this, the movie has a lot of faults. Mainly because it was written by one guy and nobody thought it was a good idea to check on his work to see if it aligned with the Force Awakens.

It’s a real bitch, because people said that the writing process for the Force Awakens felt like it was written by a committee and it was exhausting. But the next one was written by one guy and it didn’t address any of the questions established in the previous movie.

Personally I just think of Luke’s actions as one stupid decision that scarred him for life. In trying to stop a genocidal maniac he in turn created a genocidal maniac. That’s bound to make anyone a little depressed.

Then of course we don’t find out who Snoke is. He fucking dies out of nowhere. We’re probably going to have to wait for all these questions to be answered in the books which kind of diminish the movie’s ability at story telling. The way I see it is that when you’re building a world just imagine that you’re swimming.

For the general audience it should feel like they’re having a light swim, head above water- they’re enjoying themselves. They don’t have to go deeper to have fun with the water- their initial swim is satisfactory enough.

However for a fan, the water should be deep enough that they can dive in. Perhaps if they’re curious enough they can eventually reach the bottom, maybe even find the source of the water for a better understanding. To them it stops being just a swim but an experience. However if you dive into the water and don’t come up regular to catch your breath, you’ll drown- losing your life.

What you can’t do  is have the water too violent that it makes the swimming process uncomfortable. You can’t force the general audience deeper then they want to go because you’ll scare them out of the water. If the water is too cold and or doesn’t feel right, then you will have alienated your fans. Suddenly nobody wants to go swimming in your water anymore.

So it really all depends on balance. You have to understand that you have to establish the simple answers such as plot, characters, settings and the rules of the world- to satisfy the finite curiosities of the general viewer. But you also have to posses the more complex answers such as the history of this world and the history of your characters to satisfy the curiosities of someone who wants to explore your world in more detail; a Fan.

So a movie should have enough answers to satisfy the general audience, but it should also intrigue the interest of your fans- which you can later capitalize on with books, comics and TV shows. However you can’t expect the General Audience to be familiar with these materials when you make the next movie, so you have to keep it simple.

That’s a tough balance to master. Often times you’ll either alienate the General Audience by relying too heavily on your viewers knowledge of the source material (e.g. when watching Batman vs Superman, it helps if you know who Darkseid is) or you’ll alienate the fans by messing up the continuity or blatantly misrepresenting the characters (the X-Men Movies) very few mediums of entertainment can master that balance.

But anyway, back to Star Wars.

VC33RDo you think we’re too accustomed to movie conventions?

Like, as a Society it’s almost impossible to imagine our lives without the influence of film. The average person in the West could watch hundreds of movies in their lifetime. A lot of work goes into film making. It’s very different from writing because in storytelling that is dependent on the written text, what words you use are essential in how you portray meaning.

Fore example; the difference between a “Shout” and a “Yell“. A shout doesn’t imply much outside of someone raising their voice. A Yell on the other hand adds an emotion to it, or to be exact it adds anger or even pain to the voice. You wouldn’t say “My Dad shouted at me” it doesn’t sound right. No, you’d say “My Dad yelled at me” that implies emotion, he wasn’t just raising his voice he was visibly angry- whether or not he was trying to teach you a lesson or he simply let out his anger depends on the dialogue.

So words are important in Writing, not so much in Film.

Film is a visual medium, if a film is too dependent on words to express a mood or an emotion e.g. “Anakin, you’re breaking my heart” the it’s a bad film. In film you can say more with a look than you can with a sentence. Like in the Last Jedi, one of the best scenes was when Kylo Ren is attacking the Resistance cruise ship and he’s about to launch a torpedo but he feels a connection with his Mother via the force.

There’s no dialogue. Just a few shots cutting back and forth between the two of them. Leia looking sorrowful, Kylo looking as if he were in agony- choosing between his love for his Mother and his Loyalty to the First Order. Not a single word is uttered but the scene is so emotional that you don’t need words. He of course doesn’t kill his mother, but his wingmen try to and he looks horrified.

He doesn’t say a word though. If George Lucas was n charge I imagine he’d let off a huge “Noooooooo” but thankfully that didn’t happen. We did get that Leia flying through space scene though. That was pretty cringey.

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Like the way the shot was set up and how the music was playing you could literally predict what was about to happen and you were just like “…Please no” and then it happened.

That’s what Movie Conventions do, they allow the audience to predict what’s going to happen next. Not to say all movie conventions are bad but they can be really predictable. Like, that scene where Luke tosses the Lightsaber over his shoulder. The music dies down, we get a mid shot of Mark Hamill looking grumpy and then he tosses it over his shoulder- all for a cheap laugh.

Granted you couldn’t pull off that scene any other way. You couldn’t have a shot of Mark’s back while he tosses it away or a close up. You couldn’t have him smiling or being giddy. You couldn’t have overtly emotional music playing as he discards his Father’s lightsaber- conventions exist for a a reason. It’s to keep you on the right path in order to convey an emotion that the viewer may be able to feel.

Some viewers are able to feel more than others, depending on the convention and how it plays out.

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Han Solo’s death is a great example of how people are used to movie conventions.

So the scene starts out with Han and Chewie planting bombs around the base, then Kylo Ren comes in and starts walking about. Han sees him (Kylo for some fucking reason doesn’t feel his presence with the force. That or he’s willfully ignoring it like “Dad, please don’t do this” or he’s thinking about Rey) so Han of course comes out of hiding to confront his son.

There’s no music in this scene. It starts off with a birdseye view shot of Han moving towards the bridge, then we get a close up of Han shouting “Ben” Kylo stops in his tracks. I didn’t know this at the time, but apparently the First Order made it illegal to say the words “Han Solo” or “Ben Solo” which is so petty and so weird I can genuinely believe that Kylo Ren would do this.

The scene is quite aesthetically beautiful as well. Rey and Finn come in through the door which leads a block of daylight coming down on the bridge. Representing Han Solo’s light in Kylo’s otherwise Dark world. All eyes are trained on them. The two have a brief conversation “Your son is Dead” and “That’s Not True” and “I’m being torn apart” y’know how it goes.

Anyway, Kylo has this proposition to Han and he hands over his lightsaber. As soon as Han grabs a hold of it the sun light disappears, the sun has evaporated. It’s dark now, all we see is a red glow and- stab. Han Solo dies.

I like the imagery in this scene. Han Solo temporarily brings in the light for Kylo Ren. It’s so powerful that it temporarily brings Ben Solo back for just a moment, but then that light disappears and he’s shrouded in Darkness. Kylo regains control and he kills his own Father.

Han then falls to his death, down to the light.

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So now we get to what some fans didn’t like about the Force Awakens; that Rey vs Kylo lightsaber fight.

Now Rey has been accused of being something called a “Mary Sue” it basically means a flawless character or a character that seems to never be able to do anything wrong or has skills that they suddenly perfected or whatever.

Rey is accused of being a Mary Sue because she suddenly learned how to do a Jedi Mind trick (with no prior training, or even knowledge of the trick) is able to lift objects with her mind and beats Kylo Ren in a duel- despite having no previous experience with lightsaber combat.

It’s kind of like if in A New Hope, Luke just ran up to Vader and chopped his fucking robot legs off. You’d think to yourself “…The Fuuck???” because Vader is set up as this Bad Motherfucker but Luke just runs up and totally pwns him. Also, beating Kylo Ren in the first movie takes away the suspense for their next duel.

The reason Luke saw Obi-wan die in the first movie was to hype up his duel with Vader. In the Sequel he loses that deal, in order to hype up that rematch. In the third movie you get a rematch and it’s so satisfying because Luke overcomes all those odds and bests his Father, the Baddest Motherfucker in the Galaxy.

There’s no suspense in this new trilogy. Also, to those who say “Luke should have showed up then!” I say; no. No, that would have been a terrible idea. One of the reasons people didn’t like the Last Jedi is because it didn’t answer the questions set up in the previous film. The Force Awakens did not set up Luke’s return to fight Kylo Ren; he’d literally show up out of nowhere.

The duel is between Kylo and Rey, because Rey is the main character. It wouldn’t make any logical sense for Luke to take her place at this moment- you’d have to make this entire movie from scratch to justify a stupid idea. It’d be like the final duel in Return of the Jedi, where at the end Luke triumphs over Vader and the Emperor blasts him with lightning.

Now imagine if Mace Windu jumped down from the ceiling at that very moment, ran up behind the Emperor and yelled “SURPRISE, BITCH!” and impaled him with his lightsaber. You’d think to yourself “Wha…where the Fuck did you come from?!” granted its a little different here. Unlike Mace, Luke is alive during the Force Awakens but he was not set up to return at this very moment.

That’s why Movie Conventions work and are used by anyone with any sense.

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So the reason Kylo lost this duel isn’t just because J.J. Abrams wanted her to win, there’s actually some legitimate reasons.

For starters Kylo was shaken after killing his Father. As a Darth Vader fanboy he knew that Anakin never felt more empowered then when he destroyed the Jedi Temple on Coruscent- he also grew a lot stronger in the Dark-side after he thought he killed his wife. So Kylo was expecting a huge power surge after committing patricide, instead he was like “…I don’t feel too good” and he became impotent with the Force.

That and also Chewie landed a shot with his Crossbow gun. It’s astonishing Kylo survived that, let alone could stand up fight afterwards. Like one shot from that crossbow could take out two Storm troopers. I’m guessing he survived due to the range between him and Chewbacca (which may have diminished the power of the shot) or maybe the Force helped him survive. Maybe most of his energy was spent on surviving.

He force pushed Rey into a tree which may have drained him a little. He kept hitting himself where he got shot to rile him up (presumably because he felt a lot weaker than he was before the Patricide) and then he fought Finn. Now Finn, like most Storm Troopers, was taught in baton fighting for riot control. So that’s he had some idea of how to hold a laser sword.

He actually wounded Kylo by hitting him in the Shoulder, of course Kylo then disarmed him and fucked him up. Getting a great slash around Finn’s back, putting him down for the count.

Then he fought Rey. At the start of the fight he was on the offensive, he was heavily dependent on a fighting form called “form one” which is one of the most basic fighting styles on Light Saber combat. He was using this mostly because he was out of practice, since he’d killed all the Jedi (that’s what he meant when he said “I will finish what you started“) and all the fights he’d been in remained solely on defending against blaster fires- there’s a good chance he hadn’t been in a proper sword fight in years.

Rey had little to no experience with lightsaber combat, however she was proficient in her use with her staff so she had some idea how to fight. Again some people would argue “A staff is different than a lightsaber- the laser doesn’t have any weight to it” which is ultimately a dodgy argument because you’re bringing in real world physics into a world where sound travels through space, relativity doesn’t exist, space stations the size of a small moon can travel at the speed of light and you can immediately stand on an alien planet without being crushed by a stronger level of gravity or by being exposed to new diseases.

…So yeah, she can use a laser sword. Don’t think too much about it.

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So what you’ll realise throughout the fight is that Kylo doesn’t want to kill Rey. He keeps going on about “You should join the Dark Side” and when I was first watching this (while I was over in Australia) I initially thought “What…Why? Why would you think this would work?” like you just crippled her friend and now you’re like “you wanna hang out?” it didn’t make any sense to me.

With hindsight it makes a little more sense. Han said to him that Snoke was using him for his power, and that once he’d get what wants he’ll discard him. Kylo knew this to be true so he’s like “…Fuck. He’s right.” so he knew he’s not strong enough to kill Snoke by himself, he’d need help.

That or he fancied her, both are plausible.

So Rey uses the force and overpowers Kylo, get’s in a good few cuts before she K.O’s him. So she stabbed him in the shoulder, slashed him in the leg and then the final blow was that swipe across the face and he’s down for the count. Then the ground starts falling apart and they’re split apart.

So Kylo was both mortally wounded, exhausted and he was holding back in his first duel. I personally believe that if he were at full health he could have killed the shit out of Rey. It’s kind of like this; I haven’t been in a fight in my entire life. So if I had a scrap with Conor McGregor at full health, he’d beat the shit out of me. However if he’d been stabbed and he just went through an intense fight, I could totally beat the shit out of him.

Which brings us to the new movie and what might happen in Episode IX which- wait.

This article is currently 11,700 long- that’s like twenty six pages long, you just read an entire chapter out of an average book. Congratulations on making it this far, I’d shake your hand but at this very moment this version of myself no longer exists so I can’t physically touch you.

Y’know what? Let’s take a break. Come back in say 15-20 minutes. Put on the kettle, eat some cereal, rub one out- do whatever. Then you can come back and we can continue our discussion on Star Wars. Sound good? Great.

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So when I saw the Last Jedi I walked in with very low expectations. Which you should always have for big movies that you’re a fan of, that way you walk out with some level of appreciation.

I thought it was pretty good. There’s stuff I like, stuff I dislike. I liked the whole Kylo and Rey story line, I thought that was great. I thought that shirtless scene was a bit off though, especially with the weird trousers. I got my haircut a few days back and I talked about Star Wars with my Barber and he said “He looked like a Granda that went to the Gym once” I found it funny.

It was weird. Especially since, and I’m sorry to say this, Adam Driver isn’t a handsome man. He’s just not. Great fucking actor, but he’s not handsome. He’s kind of like Benedict Cumberbatch in that regard, they have weird faces and people are only attracted t them because they’re famous. They’re great actors though.

Again that was one of the criticisms with The Force Awakens, where Kylo was fairly intimidating up until the point where he took off the mask. Because you’re like “The fuck? He’s just a normal guy” I don’t know if the scene would have been better if someone like Oscar Isaac was playing Kylo because people would be like “What the fuck? He’s handsome” then again I dislike the trope in movies where everyone is fucking gorgeous especially when they’re playing characters who are super fucked up.

They cut out a scene with Finn and Poe talking in a locker room (a locker room talk, if you will) in which Poe is just updating Finn about what exactly went down when he was K.O’d. Apparently it’s a really good scene, very character driven and would have been very helpful for people who hadn’t seen the last movie in a while. It just didn’t make the cut due to time.

Time Disney couldn’t afford because “If this movie is too long then it’ll get less screenings per day, more screenings mean more profit” it’s a stupid thing they do- especially since Justice League proved that cutting a movie down just to make sure it gets more screenings doesn’t work. If anything it does the opposite of what you wanted.

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A lot of stuff didn’t make it to the movie. For example there was a scene in which Finn tries to rally the Storm-troopers into Rebellion when he gets captured he tells everyone that Captain Phasma is the one that lowered the shields on Starkiller base so she’s the one who betrayed you. Phasma would then murder the entire battalion just because they heard that.

People describe it as bad-ass but…is killing a bunch of Storm-troopers that didn’t do anything wrong bad-ass? I mean Phasma is one of the most wasted Character’s in this new trilogy. In the first movie she should have killed some rebels just to make her look useful.

In this movie she dies due to a cheap shot by Finn and falls to her death- hardly a cool exit. She totally got Boba Fetted. Her defeat also ushered in the completion of Finn’s arc, so maybe he should have died in this movie. I got a sense that Rian Johnson was legitamtely going to kill him off but Abrams was like “…No, I still have plans for him“.

I mean I get why they ultimately didn’t kill him, because you wouldn’t have gotten that sweet sweet Luke Skywalker scene. We couldn’t shove that in to the next movie, because then Kylo would have a duel with both Luke and Rey- the Rey fight wouldn’t even have any suspense anyway because she already pwned him.

That fight was pretty cool as well. Just goes to show how powerful Luke was, in which he was able to trick everyone- even the droids- into thinking he was actually there. That’s pretty cool.

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I liked Luke in the film, despite him being an asshole. Though the reason he was an asshole is because he was thinking “If I keep being Rude to her she’ll get the hint and fuck off” and he has some good moments in the film. I wish he didn’t die though.

Fuck, when he disappeared his metal hand didn’t even fall to the ground. There’s no explanation to it. Rian Johnson was just like “It’d just ruin the scene if you just see Luke evaporate and then CLUNK” which is understandable enough. The way that this trilogy is said to be organised is in order to focus on individual members of the original films in each movie. For example the Force Awakens focuses on Han, the Last Jedi focuses on Luke and the next film will focus on Leia.

Chewbacca doesn’t get a movie. Fuck, Chewbacca doesn’t even get a hug. I can only assume that J.J. Abrams is Racist towards Wookies. Typical, just another case of the  Human man keeping the Hairy man down.

That whole Casino scene was eh. I didn’t really give a shit about it. I thought that Rose was ok, a lot of people didn’t like her and I can’t for the life of me understand why. She’s so inoffensive it’s benign. That whole love story thing was stupid though, it just doesn’t fit well. Finn belongs with Poe.

Poe. Poe fucking Dameron.

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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; he would have been Courtmartialed if he wasn’t so Goddamn Handsome.

Granted his heroic acts at the start of the film made sure that the fleet survived- because that special Star Destroyer would have destroyed it with it’s laser canon even if they jumped to lightspeed. Fuck, if he hadn’t destroyed it then and there the entire fleet would have been killed.

Then again he did disobey orders. Launch an unauthorized mission. Stage a fucking coup…and he still lives to fight another day.

If Poe looked like Cillian Murphy he’d have been shot on sight.

But we can’t really talk about Poe without addressing the purple haired elephant in the room.

 

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Look, I get what Rian Johnson was going for with Admiral Holdo. It’s the “don’t judge a book by it’s cover” kind of situation. I admit when she came on screen I thought to myself “Seriously? That’s who’s going to replace General Leia?” I mean who the fuck wears a Dress on a Battleship?

The only reason Leia wore a dress in a New Hope was because she was on a peace mission so she had to look like a Princess. The rest of the trilogy she’s wearing trousers, she’s wearing shirts, she’s wearing vests- she’s dressed like shit could go down at any minute and I may have to run and/or shoot people.

Dresses are stupid. Totally impractical in the field of combat. They restrict movement, they get caught on things, you could trip over yourself and worst of all- they’re not even warm.

So I get why Rian made her look like that because we’d immediately be like “Wha-why is she leading the resistance?” but then Poe notes of her War history and it’s like “Oh, she’s qualified so it doesn’t matter” but she makes these really stupid decisions. Like not telling Poe the plan of action.

Some people would argue “Oh, Poe got demoted so that means he shouldn’t have access to that kind of information” and that’s fine, if Poe doesn’t have clearance he can’t question his leaders. But he issue is this; Holdo told no one her plan. How do you think Poe managed to get a coup up and running? Do you think people that knew her quite clever strategy were like “Yeah, let’s just throw that aside and relieve her of duty” No- she didn’t tell anyone jack shit.

It doesn’t matter if her strategy is good, it doesn’t matter if she teaches an important lesson- it doesn’t matter what Johnson intended because he ultimately fucked up. Now if he intended to present the bad guys of the resistance and how it’s flawed, that would be acceptable. A lot of great armies lost due to stubborn leadership. But that’s not what he intended and…I just can’t believe anyone read this and thought they should film it.

It’s just poor storytelling. I haven’t even gotten to the Lighstaber and the Knights of Ren yet. That’s why people really dislike this movie, it’s not because of the acting or that there’s too many women- it’s the story. It’s the refusal to address what has already been set up in the previous movie.

There’s a rule for this called “Chekov’s Gun” which basically states how you should use set up material. He uses this example; if you make a play and you set a gun on the wall in the first act it must then be used in the second, otherwise don’t put it in there. That means don’t tease who Rey’s parents are if you won’t address it, don’t make Luke’s lightsaber important if it’s not and don’t hype up the Knight’s of Ren if they don’t even get so much as a cameo.

If you don’t address any of these points then the viewer will realise that it doesn’t matter, that nothing matters- that they shouldn’t even care about what is happening before them.

Now, let’s get back to Kylo.

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Jesus that man is ugly.

Looks like a Heroin addicted ballsack.

So Kylo kills Snoke, which came as a surprise to many people because the movie didn’t address who the fuck he is in the first place. Which to be fair to Johnson is very hard to do. I mean we know all about Palpatine now, but back when the original films were released you didn’t know jack shit.

All you knew is that there was an Emperor and he was bad…that’s it. It would have killed the entire mood if Snoke started rambling on about who he was and then said “I’m Darth Plaeugus the Wise” it’s that balance with the water. The general audience wouldn’t even remember the Prequels so they sure as fuck wouldn’t remember Palpatine talking about him- don’t want to drown people with knowledge.

That fight scene was pretty cool though,  think most reasonable people can agree. It looked stunning. I have to give props to the cinematographer and designers for creating such a beautiful scene.

So killing Snoke kind of makes Kylo’s redemption a little more difficult now. I mean Vader redeemed himself by killing the Emperor, who the fuck is Kylo going to kill? Hux? Hux is Kylo’s bitch now- there’s no clear path to redemption.

It would have also helped if Johnson could have hyped up the Knights of Ren because Abrams will now have waaaay too much stuff to cover in Episode IX. Rian says that if he’d used the Knights in this movie he’d probably have just killed them off, his reasoning of course being that they may have taken the place of Snokes elite guards.

Here’s what I would have done. So Kylo is looking to prove himself after getting fucked over by Rey, he’s alerted by one of the officers that a ship has escaped from the Resistance fleet and they ask if they want to track it. He says “No, I’ll send my boys to deal with it” so he sends the Knights to the casino planet to chase down Finn and Rose.

Now Kylo is a little ill tempered but he’s the leader of the Knights, so that means they’re even worse than him. They wander through the casino and kill the shit out of everyone they see in their pursuit of Finn and Rose (this could have massive repercussions for the next film because they’re literally murdering their own donors) but of course Finn and Rose escape with their crook. The Knights update Kylo about their mission, this may be the reason that Finn and Rose would get caught later on.

So Kylo kills Snoke for two reasons:

  1. To become his own man and not just a Vader wannabe.
  2. Because he knew Snoke would eventually kill him anyway.

Kylo isn’t a Sith Lord (that’s why he’s not called “Darth Ren”) in fact he says to Rey that he wants Old things to die, both Jedi and Sith. Just like Darth Vader he doesn’t want to rule alone. But of course Rey rejects him and later on she literally closes the door on their relationship.

So there’s a lot they could have done in this movie. They could have replaced Holdo with Leia, even Admiral Ackbar to do that kamizake on the First Order. They could have presented Luke Skywalker as not just a grumpy man but a guy who has severe PTSD- which would have been far better in my opinion.

The ending is just Luke deciding not to be an asshole. That’s not satisfying. What would have been interesting is Rey finding a broken Luke on that island. Instead of tossing the lightsaber away his hands start shaking. He’s half the man he once was. It’s not like he didn’t want to fight- he literally couldn’t. That would be an interesting story. Luke overcoming his shit to save the day, reinstating the Legend.

I’d ahve changed a few things in this movie, but I always loved that rivalry between Hux and Kylo. Probably the best scene in the entire movie (outside of Mark Hamill taking a chug of green titty milk) was Hux standing over an unconscious Kylo, he’s about to reach for his gun but then Kylo wakes up and Hux is like “nope” cause he knows this fucker can stop lasers with his mind.

Which leads to some potential conflicts in the next film.

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So we know that the Empire and the First Order have an incredibly Kratocratic hierarchy which creates a very corrosive and toxic environment. Rivals are every where, even in the Knights of Ren.

So if Johnson included the Knights of Ren in his film (like I described) you could create some very interesting conflicts. Kylo is now the supreme leader and he’s struggling to hold it all together. Most of his resources will be spent on making sure he stays in power and not helping people- so he’s going to be very upset when he finds out one of his boys went on a killing spree and murdered a lot of his donors, people who would have kept him in power.

Now he may kill this knight but he’ll release that he’ll have to replace him so instead he berates the knights a little and confronts some of the more ruthless ones that think they can take him. Here’s where Hux come’s in. Now Hux knows that it’ll be incredibly difficult to kill Kylo even with his own army, so he concocts a plan to get one of the Knights on his side to stage a coup.

He’ll have a knight of his own to fight Kylo, so he won’t have to.

There’s a lot they could do in this movie. We’ll probably see Rey finish her training (which involves talking to Force Ghosts since you can’t just become a Jedi by reading a book) and then some shit’ll go down and we’ll get our duel near the end.

Now as I’ve said there’s no suspense for this duel- Rey already won her last fight. So if they’re smart and if they have the balls here’s what they’ll do; Dark Side wins.

Here’s what’ll happen. Kylo will beat the shit out of Rey, possibly main her and he’ll have nearly pulverized the Resistance. There’s no redemption, no bullshit- he wins at the end of the movie. Now you’re thinking “What? Why the fuck would he win?” because that’s what nobody will be expecting. The Resistance will win- later, in the new trilogy.

So Rian Johnson is making the new trilogy and he’s said he’s going to bring in a new story with new characters- I don’t think so. What they should do is have a continuation of the Story that happened from episode 7-9. The First Order rules supreme, but the conflict doesn’t come from the Resistance it comes from within.

Hux stages a coup and this begins an intergalactic Civil War between two factions. General Hux’s First Order and Kylo Ren’s Empire. The Resistance has to choose who they will fight beside because they can’t fight them both. I don’t know if you can spread that story out through an entire trilogy but I think it’d be worth exploring.

Obviously the Resistance would choose Kylo because he’s the lesser of the two evils. We get that tension between Kylo and Poe, Finn and Rey. I know that Star Wars is always black and white but I think it’s important to show that sometimes you have to pick the lesser of two evils.

But of course once Kylo wins the civil war the Resistance can fight. Rey can finally win the duel and we get the happy ending. With a whole lot of suspense and laser sword fights thrown in between, I think that could be a good story. What do you think? Let me know in the comments.

Granted now that I think I know what’ll happen the opposite is probably going to happen. We’ll get a Force Ghost fight between Snoke and Luke, Rey will win that duel and the Knights of Ren will go down like Phasma. I hope that doesn’t happen, but it probably will.

Either way I’m going to keep my expectations for the next film as low as possible, I suggest you do as well.

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…Actually, before I go I have one more thing to say.

Rian Johnson, what the fuck was that ending?

I mean I have been very fair to you throughout this discussion but that Ending is the biggest fucking pile of fucking shite that I’ve ever laid my fucking eyes on.

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Now I get it when people try and defend this godawful ending by saying some pseudo intellectual drivel like “Oh, the ending is supposed to show that the Resistance’s message is heard and the fIre has been lit and-” I already fucking knew that fucking shite because it is a FUCKING STAR WARS MOVIE! THE GOOD GUYS ALWAYS WIN!

YOU

FUCKING

MORON

Now we get some dumb fuck Broom Boy who’s going to be a fucking Jedi or some shite cause he can lift a broom with his fucking mind- this serves no fucking purpose. Like you had a Perfect fucking scene to end this movie with. A perfect fucking scene.

With Rey and Leia holding each other, recognising that we may have lost everything but we still have each other-we still have hope. Then you fucking cut to this dumb-fuck broom-boy who- by the way- is stupid because he’s a fucking child with a stupid fucking face that gives fucking Vietnam Flashbacks to the Phantom Fucking Menace and they’re fucking playing with their stupid fucking toys and just-UGH

Fuck sake Johnson. Like I could forgive you for Holdo and her stupid Silk Dress, I could forgive you for Benico DelTorro’s stupid fucking subplot- fuck, I could forgive you for not having the balls to kill of Finn-

I can’t forgive you for this.

What self respecting editor would let this shit fly? There’s no emotion here- I don’t give a fuck about this kid, in fact I fucking Despise this little Rat Faced Cunt- you think it means something and it does mean something- but it doesn’t feel like anything- it doesn’t feel important. It feels like you loved this shot to bits and threatened to quit if Abrams didn’t let you keep this STUPid fucking ending.

Like, the Movie already ended- it should have ended on the Millennium Falcon. It should have ended with Leia, with Rey, with Poe, With Finn- NOT WITH THIS DUMBFUCK LITTLE BASTARD WHO REMINDS THE VIEWERS OF ONE OF THE WEAKEST PARTS OF THIS GODDAMN MOVIE!

JESUS RIAN, LEARN HOW TO FUCKING SENSE SOME GODDAMN RHYTHM AND STRUCTURE YOU FUCKING MORON.

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…I really need a Girlfriend, don’t I?

 

 

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