You ever look at an old photograph and think to yourself; “Fuck me, people back then were ugly as fuck”
No? Well you should.
Here’s a photograph taken in May of 1910, featuring the Nine Kings who attended the funeral of King Edward VII at Windsor Palace.
Not one of them is remotely fuckable.
Standing on the far left you can see King Hakkon VII of Norway with his receding hairline, wonky eyes, poor posture and a face that looks like he’s trying to hold back a cough. Or, perhaps he’s tickling his asshole- we’ll never know.
Beside him is the big lard himself; Tsar Ferdinand of the Bulgarians- stroking his stomach to prevent indigestion. Beside him is King Manuel II of Portugal and the Algarve, on second glimpse he doesn’t seem too bad looking. However he looks sheepish and if I’m perfectly honest; Ill. You can’t fuck someone who looks like they might faint halfway through.
So beside that little twink is Kaiser Wilhelm the II of Germany and Prussia, a cunt who waxes his mustache with Brylcreem and looks like Hitelr’s wet dream- minus the hairline. Then we get King George the I of the Hellenes (It means the Greeks, or the Greeks at the time. He isn’t King of Women named Helen) who looks so stiff he’s like a bundle of branches wrapped together in a carpet- you can’t fuck a man who looks like he’d burst into flames if you rub him the wrong way.
Then we got the man on the right who seems to be caressing his penis, King Albert of the Belgians. Wait…Belgium has a Royal Family? Belgium? Are you fucking sure about that? Fuck…no wonder Albert looks like a Wanker.
The Louis C.K. of European Kingdoms.
Now, sitting down on the Right Hand-side (in front of Albert the Wanker) is King Fredrick the VIII of Denmark, looking off camera menacingly. Presumably at a boy who stole his Danish. He looks so fucking villainous, its taking every fibre of his body to resist the urge to twirl his moustache.
To the left of Freddy is none other than King George the V of Great Britain, a little pretentious but he’s English so it’s expected. Sitting comfortably and not looking at all like he’s holding back a massive, steaming shit. I mean just look at that Cunt. Fondling the handle of his sword like the tip of a Cock, I bet he’s never stabbed a man in his life.
Then, last and least; King Alfonso XIII of Spain. Really? Did they really have to name thirteen fuckers Alfonso? Alfonso doesn’t sound like a King, Alfonso sounds like a Chlamydiae ridden Gambler at Ibiza who sold you Ketamin and Donkey Punched your Girlfriend. And this cunt, Alfonso 13.0, looks like he’s just learned how incestuous his bloodline has become- resulting in him going into a cardiac arrest. He lives of course, but does he want to?
And these people are Incestuous as fuck. I mean, King Fred of Denmark is the Father of King Haakon of Norway, Kaiser Wilhelm is first Cousins to both King George of Britain and Queen Maud of Norway (wife to King Hakkon and Sister of King George) Oh, and King George’s mother was Alexandra of Denmark, the sister of King Fred of Denmark. King George was first cousin to both Kaiser Wilhelm and Tsar Nicholas II of Russia. So there’s little to no one you can fuck in Royalty who won’t give your children big ears and the life span of a bulldog.
Thank fuck Prince Harry was wise enough to marry outside of the family. It’s bizarre to hear the words “Prince Harry” and “Wise” in the same sentence but there you go.
You Know who’s ugly? Prince William. Just fucking look at him.
By God he’s fucking hideous. I mean…where do I even start? The balding head, the pasty skin, the Hannibal the fucking Cannibal Lips, the dead eyes of a molested Posh Cunt…I wouldn’t fuck him with a ten inch pole.
Now I know I seem to be very mean to the Royal Family, and I am, so its important to clarify to my exact prejudice. I live in Northern Ireland (Norte De Irelandes) so I am thus a part of the United Kingdom (most of us being United in the fact we can’t fucking stand England) and thus have to pay the Royal Family’s bills; which total up to £43 million a Year, despite the Queen having a personal fortune of £400 million. So excuse me for being a little bitter.
I met a man once who tried to defend the existence of the Royal Family (He was a Unionist, despite that he was a lovely lad) his reasoning was that as head of state for Britain, the Queen/King could call upon all the colonies they have if they ever want to go to war. Even with the British Empire shriveled up like a cold penis there’s still former colonies that are in the “Common Wealth” that means they have their own Parliaments, their own Prime Minister but they recognize the Queen as Head of State.
That’s why Canada has a Prime Minister but not a President, it recognizes the Queen as head of state and therefore she’s on all the money. Ireland isn’t part of the Common Wealth because it’s an independent Republic (That’s why its referred to as “The Republic of Ireland” that and to differentiate itself from Northern Ireland, a British province) a certain Acne Ridden Manlet believes that making Ireland a Republic was the only good thing Eamon DeValera (the first President of Ireland) ever did for the country. I happen to agree with him.
So, if the time comes for war the Queen can summon the support of all these Common Wealth Nations because she’s the head of state. That, in his mind, justifies us having to pay Millions upon Millions of Pounds on a fucking Pensioner. An erotic ode to the days the British Empire could go about the world fucking whoever they want, like the abusive step-dad it is.
Personally, I believe we’d be better off creating lucrative trade deals to gain the alliance of Foreign Nations- instead of parading the results of incest like a paper dragon.
Now I know what you’re thinking; “Des, what is a Tsar?” That’s a good Question.
Above you can see King George V and Tsar Nicolas II, they’re first cousins and by the looks of things they both have the tendencies to wank off their sword handles. The difference between a King and a Tsar is pretty slim. The work King is derived from the Germanic and Old English word for ruler “Cyning” or its shortened version “Cyng“. It’s progression was aided by the Dutch word “Koning” and the German word “König” and the English word for a persons family or relative “Kin“. Together they progressed to “King” a male ruler of a State who usually inherits his position by right of birth, hence the “Kin” part.
Tsar on the other hand is a title used to designate the East and South Slavic Monarchs or Supreme Rulers for Eastern Europe and Russia. The word is just the regions derivatives of “Caesar” its unknown whether they meant Julius or Augustus Caesar, the Emperor of Rome. So from 27BCE to 1946CE there was always a ruler in Europe somewhere referred to as Caesar. Whether it be a Tsar or a Kaiser.
Which makes this BBC Article on the 100th Anniversary of Red October a lot funnier because they question this old man who was a big fan of the Tsar; “Russia needs a tsar. I’m fed up with disorder here. ‘President’ isn’t a Russian word. ‘Tsar’ – now that’s a Russian word! Let the people choose a tsar.”
Yeah, it’s a Russian word- for a fucking Italian.
Anyway, what was I talking about? Ah yes, ugly people from the past. Now I have a fairly stressful life with all the work at tech and keeping an eye on the political situation in the west- I’m not gonna lie, it stresses me the fuck out. So every night I just switch my brain off by going on Tumblr (stop fucking laughing) so I can avoid all this political bullshit. It helps me relax.
Most of the stuff I see is related to comics in some way, some of it is just history facts. Some of it is memes, and not ironic memes- like actually good memes that are funny. One of my favourite blogs is this blog called “Shitpostpriest” who is dedicated to reblogging memes about literature and history, genuinely good quality wholesome memes.
Like this one:
and one of my favourite posts of theirs:
There’s another I like called “yesterdays print” which is dedicated to sharing screenshots of headlines and articled from various different newspapers from the late 18th Century to the early 1970’s. Like this:
That’s from the Post-Crescent, Appleton, Wisconsin. December 22nd 1932. For some odd reason I always read these screen shots in the voice of David Lynch’s Character from Twin Peaks.
But my absolute favourite blog is called “Scooby-Doo Mistakes” a blog dedicated to posting gifs and screenshots from old Scooby-Doo episodes and movies and pointing out the continuity errors and animation mistakes throughout the show. It’s fucking hilarious, I definitely recommend checking it out (I can’t get a decent screen shot).
Another great one is this history blog called “Historical Non-fiction” and “Historical Times” which, as the name suggests, posts content about History. Sometimes its just a fact about a certain subject (That’s how I found out Tsar and Kaiser were just local derivatives of Caesar) and sometimes really good photographs from the past. Like this;
This is the earliest surviving camera photograph, taken in 1826 or 1827. Almost two hundred years ago. It’s known as “View from the Window at Le Gras“. It was taken at a French Monastery.
The blog also shared one of my favourite photos ever. It was taken in 1957 and shows a Car waiting for a train to go by. This is it recoloured:
It’s beautiful. Looks like a goddamn Oil Painting.
So despite this article’s title (and ramblings) not all people from the past are ugly. In fact some of them are quite nice looking. Take Fawzia Fuad of Egypt, she was an Egyptian Princess and would later become the Queen of Iraq after marrying Mohammad Reza Pahlavi, the king of Iraq from the 16th of September 1941-11th of February 1979, following the Iranian Revolutions.
I’m not gonna lie, she was fucking gorgeous.
I mean fuck me, she is very sexually objectifiable. Especially for the 1940’s, I mean women like that were pretty much only found in Hollywood but…fuck me, she’s pretty.
I’ve probably offended one of you by now, so you can call me a Misogynist here. However in the name of equality I will now sexually objectify a man, because I could y’know, not sexualise women…but that’s no fucking fun.
Here’s Rupert Brooke, a British War Poet from World War One.
Born in the English Town of Rugby (Yes, that’s a place) in 1887, Rupert died during his tenure as a soldier in World War One in 1915. He was known for his idealistic war sonnets. He had pretty eyes and a nice nose. You could shave yourself on those cheek bones.
Oh and a bonus, here’s legendary American Writer and Mad Bastard Mark Twain as a Young Man:
Fucking Hell, he doesn’t look half too bad.If he sorts out his hair he’d look quite fashionable. Good strong jaw, looks like he could take a punch. Eyes suggest he already has. That’s good quality breeding material right there.
Yep, I objectified two men so to balance things out I get to objectify one more woman. I choose this woman:
…I’m sorry, I have no idea who she is. All I know is that she’s like a hundred years old and she’s a Princess. Maybe from Russia? I don’t know. I’ve tried finding out who she is but I found nothing. If you know her name contact me here or leave a comment down below.
She is quite pretty though. But she also looks sad. Sad or bored.
UPDATE: A reader known only as “Fenian Envy” knew who she was. Her name is Maria Pavlovna. She was the Grand Duchess of Russia, cousin to the last Year of Russia; Nicholas II. She’s also maternal first cousin to Prince Philip of Britain. She fled to the Ukraine after the Russian Revolutions in 1918. She lived in Bucharest, London and Paris. She’d later emigrate to the U.S and spent the Second World War in Argentina. She eventually moved back to Europe and died in Germany, 1958.
I’m aware this article isn’t really up to my usual standard, it’s more of a glorified shit-post really. So I’ve assigned categories to all my articles, if you type in the search bar “James Joyce” you’ll find all my James Joyce Reviews. If you type in “politics” you’ll find my articles about politics. If you type in shit posting, well, you’ll get this.
But really, to answer the question of why people from the past seem to look so ugly you have to identify a few things. Firstly, back then they didn’t have Photoshop or filters or any fucking voodoo shit to make a person look prettier than they were. We’re kind of spoiled that way, we see so many images each ad every day we lose appreciation for the old ones that started it all.
Then again we’re looking at it from the lens of progress. As the saying goes; the Past is a Foreign Country- they do things differently there. That is true. So it’s hard to look at a photo of Dorothy Counts, one of the first black students admitted to the Harry Harding High School, in Charlotte, North Carolina- and see the cunts harassing her as anything less than ugly.
Her parents grew worried about her safety so they were forced to remove her from the school. You know what the fucked up part about this photo is? This was taken in 1956- that’s only sixty odd years ago. She’s still alive. Those cunts jeering at her are probably still alive. They probably raised kids with the same fucked ideas as they do.
The past is a very strange place. Sometimes it’s hard to look back at where we came from, how we got here- who we are. But it’s important. Because in reality the people from the past aren’t all ugly and aren’t all beautiful either, they’re like us.
And in a world that seems shocked at the idea that anything can happen-whether it be Nuclear War or A major assassination or an extreme act of terrorism, it’s important to look at old photographs. Cause it reminds us one thing;
We’ve always lived in a world where anything can happen, and we always will.