In the defence of Bad Things

Posted by

bg_v2

So when I typed in the title for this article there was a little red squiggly line underneath the word “defence” meaning the spell check on the blog-site thought there was some kind of grammatical/spelling error- when there clearly wasn’t one.

In fact the only reason there was a little red squiggly line was due to the fact that the Americans spell the word “defence” as “defense” Which…really isn’t helping with my xenophobia. Like I’m becoming increasingly more xenophobic as I grow older (at the ripe old age of 29 I’ll have my own lawn deck that I yell at children from) like I don’t hate people from other places but they kind of irk me.

Which isn’t exclusive to foreign nations, infact I despise Derry city and almost all of its inhabitants- and I live 14.5 miles away from that cesspool. It’ll get so bad that I will despise everyone who lives outside of my acre of land, perhaps even my own bedroom. I’ve got misanthropy in my bones.

But really those Americanisms really fucking piss me off. Americanisms are just English that has yet to updated, like Ulster Scots. Take the example of the word “defence“. Now, we can observe how languages evolve over time. How they mix with other languages, trading phrases to help convey meaning in an otherwise meaningless existence. The word originated in Late Latin as “Defendere” and then progressed to become “Defensum” or “Defensa” which was later adopted in Old French as “Defens” and finally appropriated by Middle English as the word today “Defence“.

So when the Americans (British Colonists) decided to throw those crates of Tea off that ship in Boston in 1773, the word “defence” was still spelled “defense” and when they eventually got their freedom they somehow didn’t think it was important to update their dictionaries and now we have Americanisms. Most of which are incredibly frustrating, especially when you hear them mispronouncing English colloquialisms such as “Twat“- like that fucking pisses me off, they say “Twa-Aut” instead of “Tw-@” now personally I don’t use the word “Twat” being as it’s an English colloquialism and the only people who can genuinely say it properly is, well, the English.

I prefer the word “Cunt“.

Yes, that’s a good word.

Cunt.

However some Americanisms are good. Like the word “Data“. The Americans pronounce it “Da-Ta” while the English pronounce it “Day-Ta” which is significantly less cool than “Da-Ta“. Also, the word “Patriot” sounds cooler as an Americanism. Because I’ve recently noticed a lot of English people (#NotAllEnglishPeople) pronounce it as “Pat-triot” like your fucking Uncle Pat has a Triot. The Americans pronounce it as “Pate-triot” which sounds a hell of a lot cooler than “Pat-triot” who the fuck wants to be a “Pat-triot“? No one, that’s who.

That’s really all the Americans are good for. Take something that already exists, and make it cooler. Which is really at the crux of what it means to be an American, the reason that America is the only country to claim that they have “a Dream” is because everyone else is awake. Just watch their TV, they prefer hype over realism.

Let’s just say the only people that believe in American Exceptionalism are Americans.

And now that I’ve alienated a potential audience of 323 million people (oh lets face it, only half of them can read and only a quarter of them want to) let’s get on to the crux of the article; this article is bad.

I mean its disorganized, lazy, an assault on your senses and is currently groping your sensibilities. The only reason this article exists is because I have something to complain about and I couldn’t fit it into the next article (which is going to be great) so the thing I wanted to complain about was this:

dav

See that? That’s my previous article; Atlas Cried like a Little Bitch. I’m not gonna lie, it’s a Great Fucking Title. Like, I started that with no idea what to call it. But halfway through writing it I came to the part where my Dad and I were having a really shitty “Father and Son” moment with me in excruciating pain holding up a UPVC window- so I cleverly alluded to myself as Atlas, but brought me down to earth by implying I was a little bitch. It’s good writing.

What isn’t good is that Fucking Thumbnail. That’s an image of a UPVC window that I included in the article for the sole purpose of explaining what a UPVC window looks like. The original thumbnail was supposed to be this:

titan-atlas1

I know, I know- that’s Hercules, not Atlas (made evident by the fact he’s wearing the skin of the Nebean Lion) but I spent up to fifteen fucking minutes looking for a decent image of some cunt holding up the Earth on his shoulders so I damn well expect to see that in the thumbnail- not a fucking Window that I found in fifteen fucking seconds!

So when I write these articles I usually re-read them two or three times, just to check for spelling errors or grammatical errors or whatever. Then I publish it, then I see what it looks like on the site and then I scroll down to share it on Facebook (which is how most of my viewers see my new articles) so I include these images as a Thumbnail. Initially I thought that the biggest image would become the Thumbnail, like in my article about the Lego Batman Movie. But then when I was writing my article about Spite I included the first image because I intended it to be the thumbnail, but it turned out to be the image of Citizen Kane- which I shrugged off as “Oh, it’s the clearer image” but I get this fucking UPVC Window as a thumbnail and…it’s just a fucking Joke.

It really is.  Like I even went back to remove the images of the window from the article, making the Atlas image the first image to come up in the article but it still had no effect on it- the fucking window was still there despite not being there! It’s ridiculous.

Yeah, I know it’s boring me talking about the dull intricacies of moderating a poorly maintained blog site that is free- but I have an excuse; this article is bad. Like really bad.

But it’s ok to have bad things because bad things ultimately exist to contrast good things. If only good things happened then we’d grow tired and unappreciative of it. Bad things exist for the sole purpose of making good things more, well, good.

Ultimately the worst atrocities in Human history has unintentionally lead to good things. Some people defend British Imperialism because all the former British colonies now have institutions and freedoms that they didn’t have before and that places that weren’t colonised by the British lack to this day. Like a Parliamentary democracy and a free press. But that doesn’t justify the millions of people that were raped, mutilated and murdered.

It’s just an unintended benefit. A chain of events that lead to the world as it is today.

Because Genghis Khan existed and conquered the regions of Eastern Europe, the Middle East and most of Asia that lead to the East and West finally connecting. Meaning that the Silk Road, a series of trade routes used Centuries ago, would be created after the fall of his empire. The road bridged the gap between East and West, meaning knowledge was traded and produced easier than ever before. The road paved the way for the creation industries and lead to innovations that are empirical to the way we live today. But that doesn’t justify the deaths of up to 40 million people at the hands of the Mongols.

In Nazi Death camps they experimented on the prisoners which lead to new discoveries on how the human body operates. One of the most notable was that they discovered how to treat hypothermia by throwing the prisoner in freezing cold water, only to take them out and dry them off. They found that if you warmed them up too quickly they died and if you warmed them up too slowly they died. So they found the ideal amount of time required for the human body to be warmed up after being exposed to extremely cold temperatures, that knowledge would go on to save thousands if not millions from dying of hypothermia. But it doesn’t justify the Holocaust.

It’s just another bad thing that unintentionally lead to a good thing.

So to carry on with this article being a fucking shit streak, I’m not going to over evaluate my historical examples. Nope, no more talking about history- I’m even going to leave out the links for my sources. How do you know I’m not just making this shit up? How can you know I’m not just some Russian Spy? How do you know that this article is solely designed to promote much better articles?

No answers, I’m gonna talk about myself from now on. Which, I’ve heard a certain Big Fat Liar with a Poor Sense of Humour enjoys. However I can’t be certain that talking about myself is in fact enjoyable because, well, I got that suggestion from a Big Fat Liar with a Poor Sense of Humour.

tumblr_ocxo6xiS3C1qzfchco1_1280

I don’t even know what a Noun is but I’m just gonna include that cause I found it fascinating. Speaking about fascinating stuff I got a message from a friend that I haven’t spoke to in a while, she sent me this:

23667286_1531621566914425_21841088_n

So she sent me a screenshot titled; “Mrs. Lynch, Your Son Is The Devil” by an artist known as IDK. Yeah, I Don’t Know who that is either. She then said “Song too accurate I’m out” and that’s…that’s it. Very anti-climactic, isn’t it?

Speaking of Anti-Climactic, I saw Justice League yesterday. It was very OK. Like there was stuff that I absolutely loved like the consistency of the characters, it felt like the writers did justice to their comic counter parts. Jason Mamoa was awesome, I was worried that the under water scenes were going to look shit but they were actually fucking brilliant. And I’m glad that the DCEU has a basic understanding of physics, like Superman flies so fast that you can actually hear him break the sound barrier. So it only makes sense for them to be like “Oh yeah, you can’t speak under water” so when Aquaman was talking to Mera she made sure to create this giant air bubble so they could speak to each other.

The stuff I didn’t like was the start of the film, it felt really squeezed in and tonally inconsistent. It felt Cluttered and almost rushed, giving off some Suicide Squad vibes. There’s also the elements that Joss fucking Whedon brought in like some unnecessary jokes. Also the fact that the movie was edited down to two hours, like you could tell there was at least forty five minutes missing that was probably crucial to the fucking plot but the studios were too goddamn cheap. I complained about that in the first post I made.

But mainly the only real things that really fucking annoyed me was how some scenes were framed. Like in certain scenes the top of the characters heads were cut off and it looked jarring, even rushed. Then there’s this really weird shot that fucking irked the shit out of me. Ok so there’s this scene where Bruce and Barry are getting off the plane and we see the shot is a low a low angle wide shot with them getting down off the plane but the shot has Diana’s ass right in the frame to say “Oh yeah, she’s there too” which just fucking irked me.

So there’s this thing that Feminists call “The Male Gaze” and I know, I just lost like half the readers due to them rolling their eyes- but please, hear me out. So they say that the “Male Gaze” is the act of depicting the world and women in the visual arts and in literature from a masculine and heterosexual point of view, which present women as objects of male pleasure. That’s what they say. So basically the director (Probably Whedon) put this shot in focusing on Diana’s ass for no other reason than to unnecessarily sexualise her.

I mean, she’s being played by Gal Gadot for Christ sake- you don’t need to sexualise her. She’s already fucking gorgeous, and it’s a well known fact that people don’t watch movies starring ugly people. Like seriously, is anyone really going to see the movie because of that one shot? Is that shot crucial to the movie? Are you sure an over the shoulder shot couldn’t suffice?

I don’t know, it just seems silly to me. Like did they explicitly draw out storyboards and say “Oh, we need to squeeze in an ass shot cause…reasons” or was it just Whedon being a prick as usual? I mean take it from me- no reasonable man enjoys that shot. It’s just…there. Unnecessarily and most people would genuinely not give a fuck if you took it out.

But anyway, there was some male sexualising going on in the film too. Given the fact that Henry Cavill and Jason Mamoa basically spent half the movie shirtless. So that’s a step up I guess. You won’t see a angry Tumblr tantrum about that though.

It’s an alright film, the after credits scenes were fucking great though. I’m not gonna spoil them.

Also I went to see that play that I mentioned in the previous article. It was really good, although it was a bit of a hassle to get to. Like I got there an hour and a half early so I just sat about and read a few comics. Then I double checked the ticket on my phone that I pre-bought (I had short panic on the bus over cause I was like “Oh fuck, I forgot to bring the printed out ticket” but then I remembered that I already downloaded the ticket on my phone anyway)

So I’m sitting there and I’m re-reading my ticket. It’s a student ticket and it says that you require a student ID when handing it in, so I’m sitting in Queen University’s Theater waiting room and I’m like “Oh fuck- I’m not a student” so I don’t have an ID and thus would not be allowed in despite paying eight fucking pounds to get in. So I quickly go to the site and buy another ticket, this time an adult one- which costs me ten fucking pounds, and the site says “Only seven minutes left” and I’m like “OH fuck” so I buy it and download it, then I get frustrated because the ticket isn’t showing in the App which I had to download exclusively for the purpose of buying these tickets. But they eventually do show up.

So I spent around about twenty fucking pounds on a play that I saw, my friend would have got a laugh out of that.

So the time comes, I show them the ticket- apparently they weren’t too fussed so they would have probably been very lenient on the Student Ticket meaning I wasted ten fucking pounds on a ticket that I probably didn’t even fucking need. So I’m sitting in the theater waiting for the show to start, it’s a small theater with a fairly simple stage. They had great lights though. Waited about forty odd minutes before the show started, due to technical difficulties. They said that you could wait outside in the waiting area if you want but I wanted to save my seat, right dead center of the audience- so that my friend would definitely see me.

Eventually it got to the time that the play was about to begin. The cast came out and they were holding ballot boxes, behind them there was a projection saying that “We asked young people what they wanted to see in Plays, the overwhelming response was CHOICE” Which I initially found a bit pretentious. But it was pretty good, the play is called Eight- there’s ten actors. Before you go in you’re handed a piece of paper with an “X” on it and you vote for the person that you don’t want to see. The two people with the most votes are then ushered off the stage and thus are not performing that night, leaving Eight actors to tell their Eight individual stories.

When my row was called I went down and voted for my friend. He didn’t look at me, he looked quite stoic- like a statue. I put my vote in his ballot, looked him up and down and said “Nice beard” and made my way back to the seat. He didn’t even crack a smile.

So voting ends and the actress playing the school girl and the actress playing the Chavette (A female Chav, A Chav being a very dumb and degenerative working class individual- the bane of society and the working class as whole) who were ushered off the stage. Meaning they got their makeup done for nothing. I felt very bad for them, especially because I later learned that the Chavette only performed once in the entire three day period that the play was being shown.

My friend went first. He played this War Veteran that was suffering from PTSD and a Wounded leg, he kind of went crazy and is now living in secret in a hospital where he hangs around the dead people. He was brilliant. During intermission he sent me a message, thanking me for showing up and suggested I stay around after the show for a chat.

The rest of the show was brilliant, the actors were fantastic. The stories were fascinating. One of the most powerful ones was about this Gay Art dealer who arrives at the Art Gallery only to find his boyfriend hanging from the ceiling, he recounts their relationship- how he blames himself, the need for an Identity and how he processes his grief after being traumatized in a short period of time.

One of my favourite stories was about this woman called Milly, who’s this very posh prostitute that services exclusively to the upper class like Tory MP’s and Bankers. She was fucking hilarious. Her story started out with the actress pretending to ride this guy (she was dry humping a red jumper) and I initially thought “This must have been very awkward when her Parents came to see the show” but she was great. A very great satire and kind of sad in a way.

Anyway, the show was over and I hung about afterwards to catch up with my friend. I was initially worried that he’d take too long and I’d have to leave before he’d come out, meaning I’d come across pretty rude. But he came out sooner than I expected and we had a short chat (due to the fact that he was in a rush to speak to his family, they were leaving soon) I remember when he came out, I smiled. I think it was the first genuine smile that I’ve had in a very very long time.

We had a short chat. I summarized my dull little life in a few sentences, he summarized his more impressive one in a few more. I asked about the play and the special effects make up (they painted on his leg a gruesome wound to explain why the character was limping) We had a good chat. Then I was off, back to my little house in a ditch.

That story with Milly is still on my mind. She was a great fucking actress…also she was very pretty. Which helps cause no one likes a play with ugly people. It was a great fucking play, I’ll tell you that. Might even have been worth the Eighteen Pound.

 

 

 

One comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s