The Dubliners Review; Ivy Day in the Committee Room by James Joyce

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It took me an obscene amount of time to find an aesthetically pleasing photo of a fireplace on Google so you better appreciate it. How the hell is there not any more decent fire place photos on google? There’s literally a googolplex worth of photos on there.

But now I’ve alienated the philistines by using the word Googolplex. It means a billion billion, by the way. Like a number with a hundred zeroes.

fire place

Anyway, today we’re going to be talking about the totally non-controversial history of Irish Nationalism.

Apparently we have an American reading this (or at least someone stationed in America) so I’m going to spend a while explaining the intricate histories and political motivations that revolved around Irish Home rule and Parliamentary representation. Also I will explain how much of an Ignorant Cunt James Joyce really is.

So, Irish History…

Well 700 odd years ago the British invaded Ireland and started colonizing the Island. When King Henry VII came to power he seceded from the Catholic Church and made his own Church based off of Martin Luther’s Protestantism; The Church of England. Ireland being a giant Catholic state was ruled by a Protestant King, this didn’t go well.

So when Queen Elizabeth (the virgin Queen that fought off the Spanish Armada) came to power she decided to send in Protestants from England, Wales and Scotland to carry out the Plantation of Ulster. They colonized mostly Ulster because they were having the most trouble with Ulster, keeping the peace under a Protestant Monarchy.

Due to poor conditions under British Rule, both Protestant and Catholic Irishman rebelled against the British but they were eventually defeated due to the British’s superior military tactics, armies and traitors in the rebels ranks. The leaders were executed, banished or left of their own volition to get support from Spain. This was the Flight of the Earls, their attempt at getting Spain’s support failed. They lived out the rest of their lives in exile.

Soon after this first rebellion the British inscribed laws that greatly benefited the Protestant minority and persecuted the Catholic majority, this was done to purge the country of Catholicism and to create a cultural divide that is still present to this day. The British referred to this as “Divide and Rule”, they implemented similar tactics with the Hindus and Muslims in India and the Jews and Muslims in Israel. The people were less likely to revolt against the Brits if they were too busy fighting with each other.

In the late 1600’s Britain was ruled by a Catholic monarch, who was deeply unpopular with the Protestant majority of England. Which is understandable because why the fuck would you want a Catholic running the Church of England?

So English politicians plotted against the King with William of Orange, better known as “King Billy” by Loyalists, who would later invade England to take the thrown. The final battle was held at the River Boyne outside of Dublin, William of Orange defeated King James’ forces and became the new King of England. The British Loyalists in Ulster praised King Billy and formed the Orange order, they celebrate the battle every 12th of July- which is ultimately an act of Sectarianism because the whole reason for the battle of the Boyne was to make sure there would never ever be a Catholic monarch and to also confirm the ascendancy of Protestants over the Catholic minority.

In the early 1800’s Parliament allowed for Catholics to vote.

Ireland would see several more violent rebellions, most of which were unsuccessful due to traitors and spies, but the 1916 rebellion would eventually lead to the war of independence that helped achieve an independent Ireland…well, for the most part anyway.

The Republic of Ireland was formed alongside the Province of Northern Ireland, which was ruled by the British. This was due to the Irish Republican Army (not to be confused with the Provisional IRA that was prevalent throughout the troubles) and the British government signing a treaty that guaranteed independence for all of Ireland except for the six counties in Ulster which had a Protestant majority.

A lot of the people who fought for independence were outraged by this truce with the British and a civil war broke it, resulting in the Pro Treaty side’s victory and sadly the death of Michael Collins- the Greatest Irishman to ever live.

So the Republic of Ireland would go on to govern itself and eventually left the Common Wealth, the last remnants of control the British had over the Island. Of course it’s worth remembering that the Republic would later on get fucked over by the Catholic church because of Eamon DeVelera- one of the worst Irishmen to ever live and the man responsible for the death of Michael Collins.

Northern Ireland would go on to experience Civil Rights issues which resulted in violence between Catholic and Protestant communities. The British army would step in to keep the peace but it didn’t last too long. Violence broke out, Nationalist and Loyalist paramilitaries would go to war and resulted in a thirty year long conflict that cost the lives of more than 4,000 people. This period in Irish history is referred to as “The Troubles” and would end by a Peace treaty ushered in by Tony Blair and Bill Clinton to form a government that represented both Nationalist and Unionist interests. That’s where we’re at today.

Before the Easter Rising there was an attempt to get Irish freedom in a peaceful political manner. This was caused by a man who was essentially the Michael Collins of his era; Charles Stewart Parnell.


Parnell was an Irish Nationalist despite his upbringing as a Protestant. He was one of the most powerful figures in the British house of Commons. He ushered in legislation that allowed Catholics rights they were previously denied such as owning land and was ultimately the champion of Ireland’s poor. He’s most notable for getting the Irish Home rule bill passed through the House of Commons.

Now, Home Rule basically allowed the Irish people to govern themselves while still being a part of the British Empire. There was this rule in the British Parliament that if a piece of legislation had been passed by the House of Commons but was denied by the House of Lords then in two or three years that bill would become law.

Passing the Home Rule bill in Parliament meant that it would inevitably become law. This upset the Protestant Loyalists in Northern Ireland who feared persecution (because they persecuted Catholics) so they started gun running and formed their own paramilitary to fight off Home Rule. This resulted in Catholic Nationalists gun running as well and making up their own militias- and that never ends well.

Home Rule would have become the law of the land, except for the fact that Parnell had an affair with a married woman and that diminished his image in Parliament, with the voters and the Catholic Church denounced him meaning that the Irish Catholics were forced to abandon him as well. Ireland lost the chance to govern itself because of one man’s inability to keep it in his pants, which is a real shame. It’s also remarked as quite hypocritical because there were people who had done much worse that were still influential politicians.

Why do all the Politicians with the biggest balls alwways have so much cum? Oh right, the balls.

Home rule would never be made law- it would later be used as bait to get the citizens of Ireland to fight for the British Army in world war one. Parnell died on October 6th 1891 and was adored by Irish Nationalists- even the unionists respected him because; “He was a gentleman” or so Joyce claimed in his story.

Now Ivy Day marks the anniversary of the death of Parnell, so our story takes place on October 6th in the early 20th Century. The tale follows a bunch of canvassers working for a pub owner who’s running for mayor of Dublin. It’s mostly told through dialogue and…it’s fucking confusing, I’m not gonna lie I had a hard time making out what the fuck Joyce was talking about.

So we start out with this old caretaker (Jack? Joe? Fuck knows) and a man called Mr. O’Conner sitting by a fireplace talking about the old man’s alcoholic son. Of course this is Joyce projecting himself, again. Then we get a man called Mr. Hyde walking in and asking “Is this the meeting for the Freemasons?” Yeah, I’m not too sure what a Freemason is either- they either make stone pillars or they’re some kind of cult.

So these lads basically start slabberring about the Pub owner, they talk about whether they’ll even get paid for Canvassing or not- which is confirmed by a guy who comes in called Mr. Henchy. Then Mr. Hyde leaves and they start slabbering about him, suggesting he’s a spy for the Brits. They also suggest that some of the fenians are being paid off by the Brits as well, making up some whole fucking conspiracy.

Then for some fucking reason a priest walks in and he’s just…there. Don’t get me wrong, he is polite and all but he’s deeply annoyed that he can’t find the man he’s looking for; ” ‘O, no, no, no!’ said Father Keon quickly, pursing his lips as if he were addressing a child” …yeah, that uh…that sentence doesn’t age too well, Joyce. The priest can’t stay and Mr. Henchy tries to offer him a candle to light his way down the stairs and we get the most Irish encounter ever:

“O, don’t trouble, I beg!”

“No, but the stairs is so dark”

“No, no, I can see…Thank you, indeed”

“Are you right now?”

“All right, thanks…Thanks”

So yeah, when the priest leaves they start slabbering about him as well. Apparently he’s what they refer to as “A black sheep” a priest that doesn’t really belong to any parish or church or anything. He just wanders about and…does priest things? I don’t know. It’s a weird fucking cameo.

Anyway, soon a kid (who isactually 17) comes in and hands them the beer bottles they ordered from the Pub that’s owned by the guy running for Mayor (Who they refer to as “Tricky Dicky Tierney”) and they start praising the same guy hey were slabberring about earlier.

They tell the kid to take a drink from one of the bottles and he does, he takes a sip and puts it back on the table and heads back to work. Jack (the old caretaker) stares at him, disappointed and says; “That’s how it starts” …ok, first off that’s not how it starts. It starts with you being an abhorrent father you clean fucking useless cunt. Secondly, this is just Joyce projecting his own alcoholism onto a dull as fuck narrative that suggests that Ireland has an alcohol problem- which it doesn’t even have.

Then we get two more cunts walking into the room (one of them being a conservative) and they drink some beer and then Mr. Hyde returns and recites a fairly decent poem that praises Parnell and honors his death which then receives a standing ovation.

The story ends with the conservative man declaring it to be one of the finest writnings he’s ever heard.

Ok, so from here on out I’m going to be talking about James Joyce in what we could only really refer to as “Violent Sexual Imagery” and descriptions that in certain countries would be categorized as a hate crime, so I just wanted to ensure that no one would be offended- Ok?

Fucking Joyce is a clueless fucking moron.

Like I knew he had schizophrenia but I never considered him to be fucking delusional. Did he actually go to these political party meetings or was he just sitting at home boozing away talking complete and utter shite “Aye Parnell was the fucking lad- Aye, fuck foreigners-The Jews are dodgy- Protestants are while looking

His fucking pessimism…like that’s what this entire story is about. It’s about canvassers who aren’t working to achieve any political capital- they’re doing it for money. They have no consistent beliefs or opinions, they’re constantly slabbering and engaging in conspiracy theories- doing fuck all while idolizing a man who they couldn’t hold a fucking candle to.

This story is what Joyce claims was wrong with his perception of Irish Nationalism; they don’t do anything.

This book was published in 1914- two years before the Easter Rising.

How…how did he not know what the fuck was happening in the country? I understand he left the fucking country cause he felt like “Oh this country always forces its greatest artistes into exile” like fuck off you wonky eyed cunt, you couldn’t pick up a fucking newspaper and read “Oh, Radical New Nationalist party called Sinn fucking Fein forms in Ireland that basically said- Fuck Home Rule, We want Full Independence” Jesus christ you useless fucking oval shaped cunt.

james joyce

You should have released a fucking music album or mixtape and call it “Now that’s what I call being completely fucking wrong about Irish Nationalism

Fucking Paedo Stache Wanker.

The fucking nerve of this guy… granted he was right about the Catholic Church, that’s why Loyalists were often found saying “Home Rule means Rome Rule” and, well…they weren’t wrong about that. But Joyce could have picked a better fucking representation of this paedophilic monolith with a fucking travelling clown as the fucking priest- the fucker doesn’t even want to be there!

Do I even have to give credit to this deluded wreck of a man? Like who the fuck thought the Catholic Church was a good fucking idea?

“Oh I’ll tell you what we’ll do- let’s get these creepy looking bastards to read the same fucking book to a bunch of illiterate bastards who aren’t even paying any fucking attention and you know what we should do? We’ll ban them from wanking. Aye, and stick ’em in a wooden fucking box where all these dirty bastards go and tell them their dirtiest fucking secrets- oh, and lets surround ’em with young boys and alcohol like all the time” 


In Joyce’s world the Irish Nationalist movement was just a bunch of lazy bastards that sat about doing fuck all, slabberring and making up conspiracy theories while wanking off to the thought of the Great Parnell- the Uncrowned King of Ireland.

Now for full disclosure it took eight odd years for the Dubliners to get published so maybe this was what Irish Nationalism was like in 1902- but unless the mother fucker was deaf, dumb and blind then how the hell did he not see what was happening? How did he not realise that a peaceful mission would turn into a violent one?

Of course he didn’t. Because Joyce didn’t understand Ireland, he never did. You didn’t go into exile because your writing was too vulgar or controversial or too revealing for the public eye- you went into exile because you were fucking shite.

It’s worth noting that Joyce initially seemed to support the Easter Rising but disapproved of the war of independence and the notion of a United Ireland- because he abhorred violence. Which is just fucking typical of Joyce. Everyone abhors violence unless their side wins the war.

That’s really all I have to say on the matter. There’s not much to analyze here outside of Joyce’s deluded perception of Irish Nationalism. The story itself is a hard read because it involves both a knowledge of Irish history and the comprehension of Irish or Dublin slang.

I actually remember learning about Parnell and Home Rule in history class at school. We had this text book with all these propaganda posters that were shown during the time of Parnell, they were in newspapers and were plastered on walls and windows. I mind this one poster; it had this little Irishman balancing himself on these sacks of money to reach this jar that said “Home Rule” that was lying on the top of this shelf just out of reach. At the end of the hallway there was this Englishman (John Bull) who was holding a walking stick and the poster said “I’ll give ’em Home Rule

The teacher asked what we thought it meant. I told him I thought the cartoon represented how Home Rule was just out of reach for Ireland. We couldn’t reach it on our own in fear of collapse (the sacks of money could fall over, we’d run out of money) so out of the kindness of his heart the Englishman, with his walking stick would help reach the jar and hand it down to the little Irish man so that he can “give him Home Rule”


The teacher was impressed by my interpretation and how I laid it out. But he told me I was completely wrong. The Englishman wasn’t holding a walking stick, he was holding a cane- a rod typically used for beating children. He wasn’t going to give the Irishman a helping hand with getting Home Rule- he going to beat the living shite out of him.

And that’s what happened. With Parnell dead the Home Rule bill was truly lost. But in WW1 the Brits promised the Nationalists Home Rule so that they would fight for them and they promised the Loyalists to withhold Home Rule if they fight for them. Both people fought bravely, but a Loyalist regiment fought in the battle of Somme- the most brutal battle in World War one so the British Government felt that they had to give them what they wanted because of their “Brave sacrifice” which I call horse shit.

The Brits didn’t care about these Loyalists, they never consider them British. They were a political bargaining chip, their property. They don’t care about the lives they laid down for their beliefs- they baited these poor men into their ranks and forced them to die because some Cunt in Europe done some cuntish thing and a fuck ton of people had to die for it. Did the Loyalists think that they’d actually honor their bargain with the Nationalists? Fuck no- they just wanted cannon fodder and they got it.

I grew up ignorant. I didn’t know what the hell was going on in the world. I knew there were people starving in Africa but I didn’t know why. I knew there was a war going on in Afghanistan but I didn’t know why. I didn’t know why there were Union Jacks in some places but not others. I didn’t know what 9/11 was until I was in first year when Osama Bin Laden died. Fuck, I didn’t even know what a Protestant was until I was in third year. I grew up proper ignorant, and I think that’s how you should be raised.

You should be raised ignorant and taught the importance of nuance. Nuance is the reason that I don’t hate Loyalists, I pity them.

The Unionist perspective is a perspective of fear. They can argue all they like about Identity and Tradition but it always dwindles down to “I’m afraid your people are going to burn me out of my house” and that’s understandable. Because they burnt my people out of their houses. They fear retaliation of centuries of oppression and persecution and I’d be lying if I were to tell them my side wasn’t still bitter about it.

I’ve seen a lot of ignorant people trying to defend the legitimacy of the British empire by saying “Oh look, all the places that Britain colonized became havens of liberty and liberal democracy” and yeah. You could say that we wouldn’t have a parliamentary system if weren’t colonized by the British. But it doesn’t justify the colonization. I could make the same argument about Genghis Khan, his empire helped bridge the gap between Europe and Asia and without it there’d be no silk road. But it doesn’t justify the thousands if not millions of men, women and children that were raped, mutilated and murdered.

It must be shit to be a Unionist. Because the British Identity is a shit fucking identity. If you ask a foreigner what they mean when they say British they’ll tell you they mean English. When you ask an English person what they mean by British they’ll tell you they mean English. Not Scottish, Not Welsh, Not Northern Irish- English. That’s all it means. In their eyes you’re not one of them. You’re their property.

So as you can tell by my writing I am an Irish Nationalist, I support the prospect of a United Ireland. Which is why it frustrates me with the whole Brexit thing because it’s just proof that Britain doesn’t mean the UK- it means England. Northern Ireland voted strongly to remain, as did Scotland but England and Wales “wanted their country back” so they fucked up the economy. Of course they did. They don’t live on the same Island as an EU state, they don’t have to deal with a fucking border.

Let’s just savor the fucking cheek of the English; they want their country back? From who? From an economic system that they went into willingly? Yet I’m a radical in thinking that we ought to leave a union that we gave no consent in being apart of in the first place, a union that disrespects us, disrespects its loyalists and for the most part doesn’t even think we exist.

Don’t even get me started on the fucking voting- we can’t vote for any of the mainstream British Parliamentary parties. So we have no influence in who will be our Prime Minister- the very same person in charge of giving us money.

We’re not equal lads. Why am I a minority in my own Country? Only 3.5% of people actually support a United Ireland. That’s fucking disgusting.

Why can’t people realise that Dublin is closer than London?

That’s why people are so disengaged by politics- cause it’s either too fucking boring or too fucking toxic. Because in Northern Ireland it always devolves into “Your party has links to Terrorists” and I just want to say Grow The Fuck Up.

This is Northern Ireland for Christ sake. Everyone has links to Terrorism. Your Granny probably fucking kneecapped someone. Don’t try and take some non existent moral high ground- “Oh, you’re side is responsible for killing people” All sides are responsible for killing people. All of them. Labour was in Government when Bloody Sunday happened and the Tories were in charge when Thatcher thought it was a good idea to start a war over an island on the other side of the fucking earth.

Take your fucking moral high ground and vote Alliance you delusional cunt.

I often laugh when I hear British people (Oh sorry, I meant English people…y’know, the proper ones like) say shit when talking about Muslims and their influences “This is a Christian nation and it should Remain a Christian Nation!” and I just want to tell em’ to get to fuck, you’re not a Christian nation- you’re a fucking elitist posh ignorant cunt driven secular nation. That’s what you are.

Ireland, now that’s a Christian Nation. It’s so fucking Christian the Christians can’t even get along. But that raises the question; if we truly are a Christian nation then why can’t we forgive each other?

Because that’s what Jesus, the Jewish Communist, was all about- Forgiveness. If Christianity is so important to us then why is “Your side killed people” still a talking point?

There’s some talk from my inner circle about the prospects of a United Ireland because of the fallout with Brexit- some people think we can get a 32 county republic as close as 2025.

I think those people are fucking delusional. No economic depression will be severe enough to erase 700 years of history. Because there’s too many dead, that’s all it is. People think they’re British because people have died for the sake of that identity. That’s why you see people burning political posters on bonfires- because they live in a world where a differing political opinion isn’t just a perspective, it’s a threat. They’re not just going to throw it away cause they’re on the dole.

I want a Nationalist majority of 70% in this Province. Not a Catholic majority, not a Protestant majority- a Nationalist majority. It’ll be fucking easy. The Unionists are already alienating younger voters with their blatant homophobia, they’re alienating anyone with a lick of common sense with how they’re handling Brexit, they’re alienating anyone who can fucking read and can recognise incompetence in everything outside of the realm of fucking satire. I want this majority to show the Loyalists that they don’t represent the people they thought they were fighting for. I want them to know they failed and that they brought it on themselves.

If you really think we could get a united Ireland in ten years then you’re just like Joyce; you don’t understand this country- and you never will.





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